Comfortable and Furious

Friday the 13th, Part V: A New Beginning

  • Joey, fat loudmouth, axe to the head in the yard of the group home.
  • Vinnie, local tough guy, flare shoved down throat while fixing car.
  • Pete, second local tough guy, throat slashed while trying to start same car.
  • Billy, coke fiend superstud, axe to the head while waiting in the car for his girlfriend.
  • Lana, coke slut waitress, axe to the gut while trying to find her boyfriend Billy.
  • Red Herring Drifter, stabbed in the gut while spying on two kids fucking in the woods.
  • Tina, Christy Canyon-esque whore, eyes carved out by garden shears while sprawled out naked in the woods.
  • Eddie, resident hunk, tied to a tree with strap around eyes and, uh, gouged to death?
  • Anita, soul sister of the trailer park, throat slashed while waiting for boyfriend to finish taking a shit.
  • Demon, jive turkey, speared through the abdomen in a trailer park outhouse.
  • Junior, demented trailer trash, beheaded with a cleaver while riding motorcycle.
  • Ethel, psycho mother to Junior, cleaver to the head, lands face down in pot of stew.
  • Jake, resident stuttering nitwit, cleaver to the head in hall of group home.
  • Robin, resident cocktease, stabbed with machete through the mattress.
  • Violet, punk rock wild child, machete to the gut in her bedroom.
  • Random Paramedic, throat slashed and left for dead in ambulance.
  • Matt, manager of group home, railroad spike to the head, left for dead by a tree.
  • Gramps, random old man, butchered and thrown through a window.
  • The Killer (a.k.a. “Roy, the Disgruntled Paramedic”), falls from barn loft and lands on strategically placed bed of spikes.

Make-out sessions/fuck-fests:

Only a single session of lovemaking, though it does feature a blissfully big-breasted young nymph getting fully naked in the woods. Still, three separate chicks show their tits as a nod to gratuitousness.

Biblical overtones:

Outside of the usual buckets of rain, very little to go on. The killer is a very human paramedic taking revenge for the murder of his fat son, so Jason remains dead, buried, and decidedly not resurrected. But what about the two kids who had their eyes slashed and removed? Could it not be an allusion to the Biblical passage Matthew 18:9, “If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out?”

Memorable lines:

“You big dildo! Eat your fucking slop.”Ethel, to her son, Junior

“It’s showtime!”Lana, pulling out her tits in a restaurant bathroom despite being by herself.

Signs of the Times:

Holy shit, it’s Dudley from Diff’rent Strokes! Only this time, he’s Reggie, and Gordon Jump is nowhere to be found. Violet is a Cyndi Lauper wannabe (complete with crimped hair and Electric Boogaloo dance moves), all the black characters look like rejects from the “Beat It” video, coke is the hip drug of choice, and for the last time, men with moustaches could get laid.

What surprised you?

Tommy, once played by Corey Feldman, is all grown up, and the fucker is ripped! Clearly being a raving loon moving from home-to-home didn’t keep him from the ab crunches. And I hadn’t remembered the distinct comic tone, especially in the form of Crazy Ethel, a white trash trailer park dweller who, when not fixing tub-sized pots of stew, was riding on her son’s bike while remaining never less than filthy from head to toe. And I was shocked beyond belief that the fat kid was not named Tiny. Most of all, though, Dudley screams like Ned Flanders sings. It just ain’t right.

Examples of superhuman strength:

Tommy, sculpted like a Greek god, kicks fucking ass throughout, even throwing a man over his shoulder. But the Killer Paramedic tops all: he throws a 200-pound man through a window, and doesn’t seem fazed after being hit by a tractor, stabbed in the balls, and slashed in the arm.

Coolest moment:

Crazy Ethel chopping up chicken parts is a classic moment, but I’ll select Dudley’s frenzied ride atop a tractor, as he bursts from the barn and smashes into the killer.

Bits & Pieces:

This is the one without any of the Voorhees clan involved in the murders, though the Killer Paramedic uses those earlier crimes to cover his tracks. Corey Feldman makes an appearance in the opening scene (it is actually a grown up Tommy’s nightmare), as he watches Jason rise from the grave and murder two kids. I’m not sure how the unsightly Feldman became the hunk of just a few years later, though. And pay close attention to Lana, the tramp killed in the early scenes. I’ll be damned if it isn’t Ann Coulter. Only without the giant cock.



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