Comfortable and Furious

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

  • Axel, horny doctor, hacksaw across the neck and head twisted off, dies in the cooler of the morgue.
  • Nurse Morgan, whore, stabbed and eviscerated in lab at morgue.
  • Tubs McHitchhiker, obese and unnamed drifter, stabbed from behind while inhaling a banana along the roadside.
  • Sammy, resident babe, stabbed through chest while sulking naked in an inflatable raft.
  • Paul, resident hunk, stabbed in the groin after swimming back from discovering Sammy’s body.
  • Teri, creepy twin, speared in back while moping in the rain.
  • Mrs. Jarvis, mother figure, method unknown, though she looked scared out of her mind.
  • Jim, psycho and lousy lay, meat cleaver to the face while fetching a bottle of wine.
  • Tina, other creepy twin, grabbed from bedroom window and thrown fifty yards onto a car.
  • Ted, resident jokester and Italian stereotype, stabbed in back of head through movie screen.
  • Doug, resident sweetie-pie, eyes gouged and skull crushed while taking a shower.
  • Sara, resident virgin who finds love, axe to the chest while wearing only a towel.
  • Gordon, pet dog, thrown from window, presumed dead.
  • Rob, camper/hiker/hunter obsessed with Jason, stabbed and beaten in basement.
  • Jason Voorhees, killer, butchered like a slab of veal, presumed dead for the third time.
Make-out sessions/fuck-fests:

After a Puritanical turn in Part 3, the ante is upped once again and the kids resume their fucking. There were five separate and distinct sessions, including a romp in the shower and Crispin Glover being asked for seconds. More than ever, Jason appears pissed that orgasms are a part of Mornings in America, though one character is slaughtered after declaring her love for her boyfriend. Still, they weren’t yet married, so off to the slab with you.

Biblical overtones:

Most obviously, Jason literally comes back from the dead to resume his work. He is risen! No longer a mindless killer, he is again an Old Testament avenger; beware his mighty wrath. And yes, there were two examples of crucifixion imagery, one involving Crispin Glover (arms spread, attached by nails in a doorway), and the other the “good girl”, Trish, who jumps from a window and lands with a thud, only to appear from Jason’s vantage point as the Savior himself on the cross. And yes, it continues to rain day and night.

Memorable lines:

“Axel, I am not going to fake any more orgasms for you.” — Nurse Morgan

“You’re the Super Bowl of self-abuse!” — Nurse Morgan

“Holy Jesus dumping Christmas shit!” — Axel

Signs of the Times:

Tommy’s video game is but one step removed from Pong. Cut-off jean shorts rule the roost, while Izod makes more than one appearance. Dead or cut phone lines actually mattered in this pre-cell phone era, and the rock music played by Glover could very well be Krokus.

What surprised you?

Shockingly, not the four minutes of flashbacks, as that seems to be the standard for this series. I now accept it. But why did Tom Savini return for the make-up effects? Still, two things genuinely surprised me — one, it took a good ten minutes of screen time before Crispin Glover came completely unhinged; and two, how did Jason plunge a knife through the bottom of an inflatable raft without causing so much as a leak?

Examples of superhuman strength:

Jason, as usual, goes above and beyond. He lifts people off the ground with one hand, twists off heads with little effort, destroys skulls like soft fruit, throws a woman through the air like a football, and, best of all, takes repeated hammer blows to the head only minutes after having a TV smashed down on his tender cranium. Oh, and he has his hand nearly split in two by a knife, yet appraises it like a mild paper cut.

Coolest moment:

Without question, Crispin Glover’s big dance scene. It could be a seizure, or an early form of break dancing, but whatever it is, he’s totally out of control. His character, Jim, also has another moment in the sun when he is crucified in the doorway, then moments later torn down like an old curtain as Jason rushes past.

Bits & Pieces:

Of the movies so far, easily the most violent. More than that, every girl on board shows her tits at least once. Jason’s full face is also revealed after his hockey mask is knocked off. And yes, this is the one with the Corey Feldman Freakout, wherein he shaves his head (missing a few nasty tufts in the back), grabs a machete, and hacks Jason to fucking bits. The ending implies that he’ll be the psycho killer in Part 5.







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