Comfortable and Furious

Lies and Illusions (2009)

Worst Movie Ever: Lies and Illusions (3.5 on IMDB)- Christian Slater is a self-help author who gets into some gangsta shit because his ex-dead, ex-fiancé has some secrets.

Fourteen, it’s not only the average number of fingers on an Amish baby or the amount of Polacks it takes to figure out what eight plus six is, it’s the years of age you must be to receive full stimulation from any movie starring Christian Slater. That’s it. Any year older than that and your enjoyment diminishes greatly. I’m not saying he’s a horrible actor, just that his movies are mostly uninspired pieces of dogshit. However, he’s given us a few gems. In fact, I will list the top 5 things he’s ever done:

5.) Investigated his brother’s murder while on a skateboard.

4.) Got beheaded by some angry Japs in a movie about Native Americans in WWII.

3.) Seems to always be stuck in a perpetual Jack Nicholson impression.

2.) He’s had a receding hairline for twenty-five years, yet it hasn’t actually receded.

1.) Murdered two naked jocks while wearing a trench coat and put their corpses in a homoerotic pose.

Now team him up with Cuba Gooding Jr, another mediocre actor who turns out uncreative hackneyed cinema for an easy payday, and you’ve got yourself a movie that is perhaps the most predictable, poorly made embarrassment these hazel eyes have ever come across. I’ve seen Cuba play McGyver’s urban sidekick. I’ve seen him take a pack of snow dogs to the North Pole. I’ve even seen him mend a divided community by simply being a retard who was fond of listening to the radio. But I’ve never seen him mail in a role like he did here. People joke about losing a bet and having to be forced into making a movie. I’m pretty sure this is what happened. I once lost a bet and had to poke my dead coworker in the eyeball during her wake. I didn’t want to do it, but I’m a man of my word. So is Cuba apparently. Let’s applaud him for that.

Watching this movie was so sad; I actually felt bad for the cameras that were used to shoot it. You know how you’ll see an abandoned, rusty tricycle in some open field, and you can feel its loneliness. You see it wasting away, void of its purpose. You then picture some old man in a tricycle factory who was toiling away, thinking of the joy his creation will bring to some bright-eyed kid. Then you see the oxidation setting in around the handlebars and the flat tires. You can feel the disconnection, and your heart drops into your stomach. That’s the sadness I felt when thinking about all the equipment used in making this film. What a waste. What great melancholy this movie brought me. Not that the cameras were even good cameras: the production value was somewhere between Blair Witch and Bangbros; however, they were capable of capturing so much more. It was like watching a gang of little leaguers use a 2010 Chevy Malibu as a backstop on a baseball diamond.

The title should have been a dead giveaway. Lies and Illusions. It could be the title to a romance novel. The name of a Nickleback song. An 8th grader’s poem about society. Everything is right there in the name. The movie was filled with tons of lies and a shit load of illusions. Let’s run down the top five:

5.) Christian Slater’s fiancée was actually a diamond thief. He had no idea. She’s a liar.

4.) He thought she was dead, but she wasn’t. An illusion all along.

3.) Christian Slater’s new beotch is actually an undercover FBI agent. Illusion city!

2.) Cuba Gooding Jr. pretends to be a fan of self-help books. Actually a lie!

1.) Christian Slater says all relationships are built on honesty. Lie! They’re built on illusions!

Now, let’s concentrate on the valuable lessons learned here:

3.) A paper shredder can cut off a human pinky finger, despite that you can’t fit a finger into a paper shredder, or that most paper shredders jam up if you put cardboard in them. Apparently, there is at least one model that can cut through bone and has a circular slot just for fingers. Cuba’s goons catch Slater’s lawyer and chop off his finger. He screamed like a beta the whole time. (Fun Fact: The Lincoln Lawyer would have never gone out like such a ho.)

2.) Christian Slater gets knocked out while wearing a bow-tie and his girl gets kidnapped. A rookie move. Men, as an ethos, are reminded here that a lifetime of v-neck t-shirts and prostitutes would have bypassed all of this drama. A reminder to live simply and freely. Don’t dress up or try and talk to women. It’s never worth it.

1.) Acting is overrated. It’s like the running back position in the NFL. Almost anyone can get a job doing it nowadays. It’s diluted. The money is spent on special effects and cocaine. Christian Slater’s ex-fiancé is perhaps the worst I’ve ever seen. She makes Rebecca Black look like Glen Close.

Favorite Lines:

3.) “Meet me under the bridge, by the clock tower, alone.” — delivered by the fiance as if she was reading off cue cards

2.) “I’d rather have my balls licked by a porcupine” –Cuba snubs Slater’s advances

1.) “Havesomecoffee!” — Slater yells before throwing his coffee on the sidewalk to distract the bad guys before running away.

How Predictable was this movie: Pat’s VS Bills

Body Count: less than 5 and no novelty deaths. One guy got punched in the nuts though, a slight consolation. There is also a chic fight, but no tits pop out.

Surprisingly good aspects:

3.) Cuba’s goatee ranks behind Iron Man’s as second worst in cinematic history.

2.) This film is so bad you won’t have to worry about seeing it on cable. TNT will run infomercials about the healing powers of wombat urine before this catastrophe ever makes it on the air.

1.) You can watch this move in thirty minutes if you have to, just fast forward through the chase scenes like you normally would the blowjob scenes in a porno. They are excruciatingly boring. Trust me.

How bad are the chase scenes: The worst I’ve ever seen. Basically, Christian Slater runs through a crowded street, through a crowded store. Down an ally. Through a park. Bloody nose. Stupid leather jacket. I hate my life. They catch him. He’s in the trunk of a car. He uses his cell phone while in the trunk. He’s smart! He escapes. He runs through a park. He breaks open a briefcase using a potato. That’s not a potato, it’s a rock! Diamonds! Bad Guys. Guns! I’m hit! Bad guys get away with diamonds. Girl gets on bad guy’s jet! Sabotage! Parachutes out with the diamonds. Jet makes pinball machine noises! Going down! Nooooo! Explosion. Credits.

Would I recommend seeing this: In no way, shape, or form. I like bad movies, but something about this was just depressing and offensive. It’s not worth it. This movie actually made me dumber. It was like huffing paint thinner while watching Jersey Shore. Plus, I’m pretty sure the whole movie was a way for the mob to launder money. That’s the only explanation.