Comfortable and Furious

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: The Top 10 Problems with this movie

Jonny’s Ruthless Ratings (From a long-lost review)

  • Overall: 8
  • Direction: 10
  • Acting: 9
  • Story: 6
  • Re-watchability: Endless

Special Ruthless Ratings

  • Number of times you were amazed that Viggo Mortensen’s most famous performance before Rings was as the drill instructor in G.I. Jane: 12
  • Number of times you were shocked to learn that Viggo Mortensen was born in 1958: 20
  • Number of times you were shocked to learn that Viggo Mortensen
    was married to Exene Cervenka and that the two of them have a 13 year
    old son: 21
  • Number of times you thought the walking tree dudes were dumb: 6
  • Number of times Gollum blew your fucking mind: 79
  • Number of times you wished those giant elephants were in the movie more: 13
  • Number of times you had no idea what purpose Liv Tyler served in the movie: 4
  • Number of times you wished Aragorn would have boned down on Miranda Otto (Eowyn): 30
  • Number of times you realized that Christopher Lee is acting’s greatest ham: 11
  • Number of times you couldn’t believe what you were looking at: 99
Schultz’s The Two Towers Rebuttal:

I don’t think that Jonny has COMPLETELY LOST HIS MIND. The TWO TOWERS is a good movie compared to most of the crap that gets reviewed and eviscerated on this website. BUT It’s just not good COMPARED TO PART ONE!!

I’m not denying that Gollum was amazing or that Ents are the shit. OF COURSE ents are the shit. And Gollum should be cast instead of Tom Hanks or Meg Ryan in every romantic comedy from now on. BUT I don’t see how Jonny’s razor-sharp mind could overlook the following . . .

Top 10 Problems with The Two Towers

  1. THE MOVIE IS DIFFERENT THAN THE BOOK. I’m not such a nerd that I
    think this is NECCESAIRLY bad. But, the riders of Rohann sucked in the
    book, and they suck in the movie too. They’re not magic, they don’t fly,
    they don’t have cool ears like Elves or kick-ass warpaint like the urik-hai.
    If you’re going to be all blasphemous and make the movie different than
    the book, at least cut out most of the Rohann melodrama about Wormtounge
    and that old king, and the suffering peasants that no one really cares
    about anyway. Did anyone walk out of this movie thinking, ‘Wow, who cares
    about Ents or Gollum, I’m just glad they finally saved the peasants. Plus
    I learned so much about Rohannian culture.’ ?????
  2. But instead of cutting out the boring parts, they make the movie
    different than the book by ADDING MORE BORING PARTS. Jesus! As if a movie
    trilogy weren’t enough, they have to add extra scenes where Frodo gets
    kidnapped to some random city by the Green Berets, and Aragorn falls off a
  3. Didn’t Aragorn fall off a cliff -apparently to his
    death-halfway through the movie EXACTLY THE SAME WAY THAT GNADALF FELL
    If you’re going to add new material, at least make it fucking NEW
    MATERIAL, kid!
  4. I liked the part where Aaragorn falls in love with this female Rider
    of Rohann. The director initially shows her to be the exact opposite of
    Aaragorn’s Elvish hoochie. The elf is totally gorgeous, stuck up and
    new-agey and romantic. The Rider lady is kind of dumpy looking but kicks
    ass with a sword. So that would have been an awesome love triangle. But
    then the director totally drops her character. She should have been in
    the siege of Helms’ Deep or (Helms’ Keep) or whatever, cutting heads and
    burping and farting and really REALLY being the opposite of the Elf
    hoochie. Then, following the siege, she should have taken Arragorn by force.
    But the director didn’t follow through with this promising concept so
    he’s a little tease. [Ed Note: Eowyn was hot. Schultz is not sexually attracted to white women. He has no idea
  5. The movie makes ABSOULTELY NO MENTION of shitopia which was so
    integral to the plot of the original books.
  6. The battle scenes- are just as insanely detailed and over the top as
    one could expect. But I WASN’T expecting both battles to be colored
    black, brown, and gray. It’s like, why buy a $5,000,000 computer and spend a
    year doing this incredibly elaborate 3D animation, and then FUCKING
    can’t really see what’s going on in either of the 2 main battles because
    there is virtually no contrast between the ‘bright colors’ and the ‘dark
    colors’ OK, I’m just talking about the overhead battle shots here, not
    the close-ups. But still, THE TWO TOWERS is all ABOUT fucking overhead
    battle shots.
  7. I don’t mind that the battles go on for so long, but when the good
    guys finally start to win, the CLIMACTIC MOMENT of triumph, it cuts away to
    Frodo and Pippin having this totally sappy, heartwarming conversation
    about heroism and flowers and what makes a good story and bullshit. Like,
    even if the conversation wasn’t total schmaltz, it’s still not a good
    idea to cut away from the FUCKING CLIMAX of the movie to a conversation, and
    then, like go back to the FUCKING CLIMAX with sappy, schmaltzy music and
    a voice over, as if the FUCKING CLIMAX were by this time a foregone
    conclusion. I mean, imagine if the death star were about to explode and it
    cut to Yoda looking romantically into Luke’s eyes, and pan pipes were
    playing. What kind of bullshit is this???
  8. I don’t mind the implied homosexuality between the hobbits. But
    -really- if you wanted to cut back and forth between the FUCKING CLIMAX of
    the battle scenes and the hobbits, the only way to make it work is to have
    some ANAL ACTION going on so that the hobbits also have A FUCKING CLIMAX
    at the same time. THEN you’d have a worthwhile montage.
  9. Dwarf-baiting. What is it with New Zealanders and dwarf-baiting???
  10. And what the HELL was up with the rapping Nazgul? I’m sick of all
    this commercialization. As if every fucking movie has to have some
    rapping in it to be trendy. It’s like , why didn’t they throw Poochie The
    Rockin’ Dog in there too?? Plus his beats were wack.

I can see how Jonny would like the movie IN SPITE OF this bullshit, but
to not even NOTICE the bullshit is odd. Hopefully part 3 will be better,
but I’m more looking forward to Gollum starring in GLITTER 2.



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