Comfortable and Furious

Outcast (2014)


Nic Cage’s long hair
makes me feel very funny
in my pants (downstairs)

Its flowing black locks
wrap around our very souls
and our very cocks

Oh, what have we here?
Hayden answers the call; a
challenger appears

Quite short on the sides
Visibly longer above
Does The Dude abide?

Hair maketh the man
and Anakin hath been made
as only hair can

Majestic beauty
A blossoming flower of
his virility

Shots fired, Voltaire,
A Wild West Onion from
Black Angus of hair

Our immortal souls
will be saved by one of these
amazing assholes

But which of them, then?
For who watches the watchers?
Who hairs the hairmen?


It’s the Crusades, brah
Christians killing Muslims; it
sucks, et cetera

Nicolas Cage is
tired of all this death and
needs to take a piss

“As long as the cheque
clears then it’s all good my friend.
My life is a wreck.

“This shit has to be
better than Left Behind, though.
What was I thinking?

“Where am I, again?
Wait, this movie is filming
in China? What the…

“No, I’m fine, I’m fine
My character is a drunk
It’s Method Acting

“What do you mean that
Haiku is supposed to rhyme?
The Chinese speak in

“Scottish accents, right?
Well, my character does. Now
get out of my sight!”


Hayden Christensen
is our main character so
God help us all, then

He went to China
to abuse opium and
act like a wine-ah

Will he be redeemed?
Or will the kingdom be saved
by one more esteemed?

The Crusades sucked, man
Bush lied and people died and
it was all a sham

Who knew that seeing
women and children dying
was so depressing?

Time to team up with
a young prince and princess and
swordfight like the Sith

Their older brother
killed the king, because the king
said he was a douche

Now he wants to kill
both of them and become king
as he is a douche

Oh wait, these stanzas
are supposed to rhyme and stuff
like influenzas

Whatever, let’s just
move on with our lives and come
to terms with our lust

Oh Nicolas Cage
You are the light of my life
Forgiven for Rage

Your character hides
in the mountains with bandits
Your mute wife chides

you for your drinking
But what is a man to do
as the world’s sinking?

You know the exact
number of bombs to be used
on men without tact

They criticize your
flowing black locks of mana
from Heaven du jour

But we know the truth
That you stand tall without shame
or the hair of youth


Hayden Christensen
fights against Chinese people
for money and zen

Yet he is so sad
because the Crusades sucked ass
Also, drugs are bad

A Near Eastern lass
gives refuge and opium
but not any ass

Lo, a betrayal!
Time for an action scene and
numerous dead males

A fist and a clench
A lass and more dinero
Duplicitous wench!

Never fear, Hayden
Nic is within this forest
You’ll be reborn then

It’s almost over,
and the finale’s at hand
Get your four-leafed clover

For it shall be luck
that allows you to prevail
over that evil fuck!


All calm now, though Nic
and his wife are dead. It is
sad and barbaric.

However shall we
live? Without Nic to guide us,
lost we’ll always be.

We’ll move on. We’ll find
a way. Nic would want us to.
He protects us above.