Comfortable and Furious

S.W.A.T (2003)

Not so long ago, we predicted a resurgence in 80s-style Action. Since S.W.A.T. almost perfectly fits the mold, I’m reviewing it using the 80s Action template, even though it falls far short of the 80s Action ideal. I think that action films are kind of on the fence right now, along with the rest of the country. If we fall onto the side of right-wing fanaticism by re-“electing” that fucking illiterate, 80s-type Action films will return to the glorious madness reached during Reagan’s second term. If America takes a step back towards civilization, films like S.W.A.T. will be preludes to an uncompleted work.

Entire story in fewer words than are in this sentence:

Villain offers $100 million to be freed from S.W.A.T.


The “Men on Film” from In Living Color would have given this one two snaps and a rim job. Firstly, it stars the man who, according to a gay movie critic on Howard Stern, is the most lusted after movie star in all of queer-dom: Colin Farrell. The first thing that Ferrell’s co-star, Sam Jackson, says to him is, “how would you like to make a little extra money?” Then the two have a long, fetishistic conversation about Jackson’s gun. Later L.L. Cool J. pulls up his shirt to reveal his chiseled abs and gets jiggy as his fellow officer’s stuff dollar bills down his shorts. The stunning Michelle Rodriguez has a role and briefly exposes part of her midriff, but thankfully, the film is free of any physical contact between man and woman. While not up to the standards of true 80s Action films, like Commando or Red Heat, there is plenty of crypto-homo to go around.

Corpse Count:

I didn’t actually break out the pen and paper for this one and forgot to count after a while. It was about 20 though. Pssshhh…

Novelty Death:

Well… a guy gets hit by a train. Pretty weak.

Non-Pre-Mortem One Liner:

LL pulls a gun on a guy and says, “Tell daddy how you like it!” That’s pretty gay as well. Unfortunately, LL doesn’t shoot the guy. Pussy.

Stupid Political Content:

Hollywood’s weird anti-vegetarian bend, first identified by Mr. Matt Cale, is again present when Sam Jackson is reluctant to put a guy on his team because he refuses a “good ole’ fashioned American hot dog.” That’s pretty gay, too. There’s also a scene where LL tells off a black woman who complains about the police arresting a black man by saying, “We’ll see how liberal you are when he breaks into your house.”

If I co-wrote, the next line would be, “Yeah, and when he’s breaking into my house, you’ll probably be pulling me over for rolling through a stop sign at 2:00 am.” This film also attempts to capitalize on anti-French sentiment among retardo-Americans by making the villain a snooty Frenchman. There’s also another shot at the vegetarian because he appreciated “French champagne.” I honestly don’t know the difference between a Merlot and a Cabernet and even I know that all champagne is French.

Was There a Stupid Chief:

Hell yeah, although he was technically a stupid Captain. His philosophy was that “sometimes, doing the right thing isn’t the right thing.” The only interesting thing about him is how completely he fits the Stupid Chief stereotype. I kept waiting for him to say, “You’re a loose cannon, McGararnicle!

How Bad Is It Really:

Fairly bad, but the time passed quickly enough. I liked the film’s premise. I liked that it wasn’t super campy, in the vein of Charlie’s Angels. The first hour or so was pretty boring though. It was just the S.W.A.T. team being selected, then butting heads with the Stupid Chief. Maybe the S.W.A.T. team could have had another mission before the main one. The action scenes were OK, but soft-core compared to those of authentic 80’s Action. The only two times I really enjoyed the action were A) The beginning of the bank robbery that starts the film and B) When the homies try to free the Frenchman. 00s Action has a lot of catching up to do if it ever wants to equal 80s Action. Maybe once Bush manages to get books outlawed…