Mother, with Daryl Hannah! And sheÂs holding a knife on the cover! Sounds cool and all, so why canÂt I find this shit on imdb?
I asked the same question. I mean, did the movie even exist? Would I be the first person on the planet to see it? I felt special, unique Â like I had stumbled across a top secret lair or something. Then I found it Â the name change. Normally, such things donÂt really matter. Here, it ruins everything. The original title? Social Nightmare. Pretty standard stuff, and reasonable enough, given that it was about a girl who had her life turned upside-down by social media. And it first showed on Lifetime, for chrissakes.Â But Mother? CouldnÂt leave well enough alone, could you? I went from having no idea to knowing everything. Eighty-five minutes of my life wasted, and I hadnÂt even started the DVD.
I donÂt get it. So itÂs called Mother. Why does that ruin the movie?
A hot young girl, Catherine, just about to enter college, is suddenly taken aback when various websites start posting pictures and conversations she, like, thought were private. Rumors are started. People get hurt. Lies get told. OMG! She claims to be innocent, but no one believes her. Someone hacked her account! Is it her BFF, now jealous because she couldnÂt get into Brown? Is it Daniel, her smooth but deadly boyfriend? HeÂs black, so clearly heÂs guilty. The bitch girl at school? Before you answer, look at the movieÂs title. Then back at me. Read it again. Goddammit!
Mom? But itÂs Daryl Hannah!
ItÂs mom. ItÂs always been mom. Seems after her miscarriage, mom lost her fucking mind. Not so much that she canÂt maintain a house in Los Angeles that would cost at least $1.6 million and, you know, thereÂs no dad around and she doesnÂt seem to have a job and can still afford more face work than Joan Rivers. But sheÂs mom! Supermom, really, and even though she wanted to give her sweet darling daughter a sibling, her loins were cursed. The doctor even told her if she kept trying, sheÂd die. So she put all her eggs in the surviving daughterÂs basket, and now she canÂt bear to lose her. Why, CatherineÂs about to go to Brown, which is, like, all the way in Rhode Island or something. ItÂs a full-ride scholarship and the opportunity of a lifetime, but how will mom manage all by herself? Driven by love, she sets out to ruin her kidÂs life, one grisly step at a time.
SheÂs, like, the worst mother ever.
Oh, really? What would you do? She literally has nothing else to live for. But she has to hurry, as senior year is winding down. First, mom will hack CatherineÂs BuddyMe (Facebook?) page and call BFF Emily a loser for not getting into Brown. This will piss her off, drive her away, and leave more of Catherine for mom to (s)mother. Next, sheÂll create something called a ÂScored/BoredÂ list, which calls out sluts, dickheads, and players. This will get Catherine thrown off the yearbook committee, which means, you guessed it, more time for mom! Then, the Scored/Bored thing will get even nastier Â she names names, etc. Â which will generate an impeachment drive against Catherine, the class president. Even more free time! Then, more rumors will be spread, such as the fact that that one dude is secretly gay. Betrayal! More importantly, the loss of a good friend who takes up CatherineÂs precious time. But mom saves the worst for last Â she posts a rumor online that says DanielÂs retarded sister, Joan, likes to fuck. Naturally, someone then spray paints ÂJoan likes to fuckÂ on JoanÂs locker.
Wait, a retarded girl goes to high school? And she has a locker? What the fuck she keep in there? AinÂt no retarded girl have books and calculators and Trapper Keepers and shit.
Where you been? Mainstreaming has been going on for decades. They donÂt have to do any actual work, of course, but their mere presence makes us feel better. Call it the dark side of American liberalism.
If itÂs so obviously mom doing this shit, why the eight dozen red herrings? Maybe it IS Emily? Why she all of a sudden get into Yale? YALE. Think about that for a second. SheÂs the stupidest chick in the movie, and she has a place at Yale?
I wondered about Emily myself Â she does act petty and jealous all the time Â but then I remembered the movie is named MOTHER. Are they really going to put a murderous Daryl Hannah on the cover and not have her be the bad guy? No Redbox DVD going to get that shit past this steel trap of a mind. No, sir.
I just canÂt accept that a mother would do such things to her own daughter. I mean, they really put Catherine through the mill.
Maybe she had it coming. I mean, she has it all. Class prez, activities galore, talented as fuck, friend to the mentally challenged. And hot. Yes, HOT. Sizzling. I wonÂt lie, I tugged one out to this chick. What a body! Kirsten Prout, wherever you are, IÂm available. You and me, kid. IÂll make you famous.
DidnÂt you feel bad for Catherine?
So she was ruined. So what. Almost raped? Whatevah. Humiliated, accused, driven to madness? ThemÂs the breaks. To top it off, as words flew across the screen during a montage, I saw ÂThat bitch cray.Â The ultimate insult. Enough to drive her to suicide. Sure, it seems impossible to accept that the school would believe a straight-A student with an impeccable reputation would suddenly do all this fucked up shit, but their hands are tied. As if she didnÂt have enough to deal with, that bad girl, Haley, starts a fistfight in the bathroom.
Hot as shit?
You know it. Two sexy high school senior chicks pulling hair and scratching? Good lord.
YouÂre getting off to this shit? This is a cautionary tale, mister.
Yeah, yeah, and there are numerous PSA-inspired conversations about cyberbullying, the dangers of posting sexy pics, etc. And IÂm all broken up about it. But when two women are fighting, the rest of the world just falls away.
The evidence against Catherine is pretty overwhelming, though. When did you know it was mom?
What, after I saw the movieÂs title? It had to have been the doctorÂs appointment. Catherine was cut and bruised from the hot-ass cat fight, but mom kept pushing the doc to give her meds. Anti-depressants, sleeping pills, the works. My daughter is plagued by anxiety attacks! Catherine denies it, but mother knows best. Keep her loopy, and away from Brown. Why, this is about control!
Just so, so wrong. Any comic relief?
IÂll admit, mom creating a Honey Daddy profile for Emily was a masterstroke. When that Herbert dude showed up at EmilyÂs door wanting to fuck, I was amused.
But when Daniel sends those sexy Catherine pics to everyone at school, surely your suspicions went back to him?
For a second. But this isnÂt Daniel, now is it? And he had a right to be pissed. You called his retarded sister a whore! I mean, whatÂs lower than that? But all this leads to yet another cat fight, as Emily and Catherine have a confrontation in the school parking lot (ÂI want to smash your face in!Â) ItÂs not as hot, but still, itÂs two chicks locked in combat. IÂm starting to understand why every single male high school teacher is arrested for statutory rape. Use air quotes at your discretion.
So how is mom finally exposed?
Early in the movie, when mom, Emily, and Catherine are sitting around writing an appeal letter to Brown (on behalf of Emily), mom spells ÂproceedÂ as Âprecede.Â SheÂs adamant about it, too. Bad screenplays are like that. So naturally, when Emily later checks out her Honey Daddy profile, she sees it plain as day: PRECEDE! Because, what are the odds that someone else in Los Angeles would confuse the two words and be out to get Emily? Sherlock, this one. Meanwhile, while mom is driving over to DanielÂs house to smash his car window, Catherine is trying to locate her lost phone. Remember, mom said the phone was probably at school. But when Catherine calls it, she hears a ring in her motherÂs locked bedroom. Because she would steal her daughterÂs phone and leave it on for this exact scenario. The same genius who created a Honey Daddy profile from whole cloth? Doubtful. But as Catherine gets closer to the source of the ringtone, she finds the bedroom key and walks in. ThereÂs her phone, in the desk drawer. More importantly, thereÂs her momÂs computer Â still on Â with CatherineÂs BuddyMe page pulled up! Busted. Digging further, Catherine also finds a hidden camera in her teddy bear. Mom was spying! While she was making out with Daniel!
I suppose the confrontation is not a pretty scene.
Mom weeps, threatens suicide, and tries to excuse it all as post-partum depression. ÂI canÂt lose another baby,Â she cries. Emily soon arrives with news of the misspelling, only to be grabbed and strangled by mom. ItÂs a great scene, right out of Mommie Dearest. The cops are called, and mother is hauled away, a sobbing, disheveled mess.
And yet a happy ending.
Catherine and Emily are at Brown, sooo loving college life, and mom is tucked away at a mental health spa that, given the view, must cost no less than $50,000 a month. Which is easy to understand, since unemployed mother was always a good provider. A quick video chat reveals that mom is on meds, getting help, and one day, might be released. But not now. Catherine is forgiving as all get out, attributing having her life utterly destroyed to Âjust some thing.Â Oh those wacky bipolars! Will we ever learn? No, because we love them; fraud, harassment, attempted murder and all. TheyÂre us. TheyÂre mom.