America wasn’t ready He was.

Entire Story in Fewer Words than are in this Sentence:

Terrorists invade the USA, Chuck Norris kills them.


What the fuck? This movie isn’t very gay at all. They don’t even fetishize weapons! The gayest part comes when Chuck and an old man wrestle an alligator in the mud. But in a remarkable feat of sterility and soulessness, Zito is able to film two men alligator wrestling in the mud without it coming across as at all erotic. They don’t even take their shirts off! No wonder Rambo made twenty times more money.

Novelty Death:

This prize goes not to Norris, but to the terrorist boss, Raskalov, who concludes a drug deal by punching the dealer’s girlfriend in the back of the head as she snorts coke with a steal straw, then taking the dealer’s gun and shooting him in the balls (ball shooting is Rascalov’s signature move), then throwing the screaming, bleeding girlfriend out a four story window. I’ve never seen a more brutal sequence.

How bad is it Really?

Baaaaad. The terrorists are Soviets, Cubans or drug dealers or something. Some are Chinese, some are American lowlifes who hang out in biker bars. It’s never even really clear. They’re just a shadowy amalgamation of right-wing fears. The scenes of American bliss that precede the terrorist attacks are unbelievably funny. White-bread families decorate their Christmas trees, attend church and visit Santa at the mall. The funniest part is that the wave of terrorism doesn’t deter anybody from these activities. In one scene the sheriff says that there have been twenty terrorist attacks that day in Miami and the TV news talks about the threat of marshal law. The next scene is of a Miami mall packed with carefree shoppers, who, much to their surprise, are attacked by terrorists. Also, Chuck Norris is the only actor I’ve seen outside of porn who can’t even walk convincingly. Finally, this film was not nearly gay enough.


Corpse Count:

Well into three figures. The opening scene is of the terrorists massacring at least thirty Cuban boat people with machine guns and it never slows down from there. Few films can rival Invasion USA in this department, just as it can rival few films in any other department.

Best One Liner:

“If you come back in here, I’m gonna hit you with so many rights, you’ll be asking for a left.”

Stupid Political Content:

Just the usual Reagan-style fear mongering and rhetoric. Drugs, commies, terrorists and rock music are coming to steal Christmas! The movie’s not really coherent enough to have a political message. Also, what’s with the lack of gayness?

What You Learned:

Apart from being fascist, the Dept. of Homeland Security is grossly inefficient. You can defeat a far more organized and larger terrorist network than Al Quada with a pick up truck and an Uzi. Wait, better make that two Uzis.

About Plexico Gingrich

Plexico likes to gamble. He writes for a boxing site which you can visit: here
Follow him on twitter: @ruthlessreviews