NAVY SEALS

Tagline:

They’re America’s secret weapon against terrorism.

Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:

Terrorists are shot.

Homoeroticism:

I know what you’re thinking. How could there possibly be any homoeroticism in a rightist action movie about the navy staring two hunky men with rhyming names? Shockingly enough, gayness abounds. In typical 80s Action fashion all heterosexual contact is broken up by the chaperon of violence. A SEAL’s wedding is interrupted when he is called to duty. One SEAL takes a woman to a private area on the base and embraces her only so his buddies can barge in with machine guns and scare her. Etc. Also, on the way to that wedding, Charlie Sheen jumps out of a moving car and over a bridge in act of non-violent protest of the heterosexual union.

The gayest scene by far, however, is the golf scene, in which the boys take time off from their high stress work as BEARS – er, I mean SEALS to horse around on the golf course. One SEAL leaves his shirt at home. Another wears a small pair of purple and green shorts. Another opts for a tank top. A forth goes with an even smaller pair of shorts. Pink ones. All of this is set to Bon Jovi singing “The Boys Are Back in Town.” It reminds me of that SNL skit: the commercial for “Schlitt’s Gay” brand beer.  Especially the part where one of Sheen’s buddies pokes his pooper with the head of a golf club.

At one point a commander asks Charlie Sheen how close he is to an enemy. Sheen replies, “if I was any closer, I’d be inside him.” I bet you would be, Chuck.

Corpse Count:

I came up with a respectable 34.

Pre and Post Mortem Dialog:

A terrorist says something in Arabic. Charlie Sheen asks another SEAL for a translation.

“Something about your mother.”

Sheen shoots the terrorist and says, “Never talk about mom.”

How Bad Is It Really?

Renting this film turned me into a living joke. I felt like the stupid customer in Clerks who picks up a video box and gleefully exclaims, “ooooohhhh, Navy SEALS. I’m sure the clerks at the store thought the same thing. Unlike some 80s Action, this one is made with professionalism. That’s about all that can be said for it. Much of the movie takes place on the home front and, apart from the gay golf scene, is just plain boring. The subplot is about a journalist who knows everything about the terrorists because she is half Lebanese. The U.S. government doesn’t know anything about the terrorists because they aren’t half Lebanese. So the SEALS half to convince the reporter to… see how boring this is?

Stupid Political Content:

For an 80s Action film about terrorism, there isn’t much stupid political content. The terrorists are all Arabs, which could be construed as racist if the film was set in Ireland. The portrayal of political realities is too minimal to be ideological. The terrorists are pissed about the shelling of Lebanon so they want to shoot down planes.

What You Learned:

I learned about guns and shit because the SEALS helpfully describe what they are doing. They would say, “switching from starlight scope to thermal,” and I’d learn the difference between the two.

About Plexico Gingrich

Plexico Gingrich is the site’s co-founder and Editor In Chief. He is able to accomplish the rare feat of running a website without a functioning computer, legal residence, or working knowledge of the English language. Inexplicably, he met his hot Brazilian wife through Ruthless. We hate and resent him, but on the bright side, his liver will give out any day now.