My brain…? It’s my second favorite organ.

Woody Allen is a prolific artist who’s been making roughly a film a year since the late sixties. His timid yet talkative onscreen persona (simultaneously intellectual and stupid, riddled with self-doubt and wrapped up in his weedy, balding, bespectacled frame) surely places him among the most distinctive film stars of all time. It’s a double-edged […]

Blast Of Cannon: Part 2

Lifeforce (1985) Horror director Tobe Hooper made three flicks with Cannon in rapid succession, but the relationship only further sullied his artistic reputation. Together they coughed up the derided remake Invaders from Mars, a comedic sequel to his blistering Texas Chainsaw, and the box office bomb Lifeforce. Still, at least this sci-fi flick has reached […]

Blast of Cannon: Part 1

You’ve probably heard of MGM and United Artists, but what about the very lovely Cannon Films? It was a studio that took on the Hollywood big boys in the 1980s. For a glorious, plate-spinning few years it became the world’s largest independent movie production company, cranking out up to six low-budget pictures a month. How […]

Fucked-Up Films #6: Romper Stomper (1992)

Film Title

Romper Stomper

Synopsis

Heil Crowe!

Director

Geoffrey Wright

Cast

Russell Crowe
Daniel Pollock
Jacqueline McKenzie
Alex Scott

What are these sick bastards doing? Worshipping the Third Reich, threatening to chop people’s legs off with an ax, mourning decapitated mothers, and terrorizing the Vietnamese in a Melbournian suburb. Is the villain any good? The heavily tattooed, permanently unshaven Hando (Crowe) is a neo-Nazi so committed to white supremacy that he attacks a Jap-made […]

Starring debuts #18: Mark Hamill & Harrison Ford in Star Wars (1977)

Film Title

Star Wars

Synopsis

Cinema changes forever

Director

George Lucas

Cast

Mark Hamill
Harrison Ford
Carrie Fisher
Peter Cushing
Alec Guinness

Star Wars remains the dog’s bollocks, a bona fide pop culture phenomenon, and an astonishing exercise in world-building with its fucking cool light sabers, eye-melting hyperspace travel, hokey Jedi mind tricks, planet annihilation, and lovable stormtroopers, none of whom are capable of hitting a cow’s ass with a banjo. Only a retard can fail to […]

Fucked-Up Films #7: 10 To Midnight (1983)

Film Title

10 To Midnight

Synopsis

Nudey nutter knifes nurses

Director

J. Lee Thompson

Cast

Charles Bronson
Gene Davis
Andrew Stevens
Lisa Eilbacher
Geoffrey Lewis
Wilford Brimley

What are these sick bastards doing? Celibacy makes you kill people. Sex gets you killed. Christ, what’s a person s’posed to do? Is the villain any good? I once went up to an attractive lady in a bar and said: “You are a woman and, as such, you will do my bidding.” Later, after I’d […]

Starring debuts #19: Joe Spinell in Maniac (1980)

Film Title

Maniac

Synopsis

A New York gent practices an interesting cure for dandruff

Director

William Lustig

Cast

Joe Spinell
Caroline Munroe
Gail Lawrence

Joe Spinell was a hemophiliac who bled to death in 1989 in his early fifties. Throughout his 17-year film career, he overwhelmingly played bit parts, but had an extraordinary knack for picking the right projects. We’re talking the first two Godfather and Rocky movies, as well as Taxi Driver, Sorcerer, and Cruising. Pretty good, huh? […]

Tina! Bring Me The Axe!

Cinema is littered with ridiculous turns, most of them delivered by Nic Cage. Talented as he is at scenery chewing (as anyone who’s seen Con Air or The Wicker Man remake will attest) I still don’t think his frequent hammy excesses can ever reach the level of Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest. This 1981 travesty […]

Fucked-Up Films #5: Wolf Creek (2005)

Film Title

Wolf Creek

Synopsis

Australia. The outback. And you thought venomous snakes were scary.

Director

Greg McLean

Cast

John Jarratt
Nathan Phillips
Cassandra Magrath
Kestie Morassi

What are these sick bastards doing? Actually, Ben, Kristy and Liz aren’t sick bastards. They’re lovely guys partying on the Western Australian coast who are about to undertake an eleven-hour drive inland to see the world’s second biggest meteorite crater. One of Wolf Creek’s great strengths is the steady way it builds up these three […]

Ridiculous Deaths

We’re all gonna die. It’s a sobering thought, but we cling to the hope it’ll be relatively painless and perhaps even dignified. But what if it isn’t? What happens if you end up like one of those Pan Am passengers in the 1988 Lockerbie Bombing perched atop a Scottish roof still strapped into a seat […]