Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Film Title

Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Synopsis

Disney proves, yet again, that you don’t actually care about how many reboots, remakes, sequels, or franchise films there are.

Director

Bill Condon

Cast

Emma Watson
Dan Stevens
Kevin Kline
Luke Evans
Josh Gad
Ewan McGregor
Gugu Mbatha-Raw
Audra MacDonald
Emma Thompson
Stanley Tucci
Ian McKellan

I get that I am not the audience for Beauty and the Beast. I am not a fan of musicals. I am not a ten-year-old girl who doesn’t care about plot holes or young women being held against their will. I do not find buffaloes attractive, not even rich, royal buffaloes. I do not care […]

Kong: Skull Island

Film Title

Kong: Skull Island

Synopsis

Monkey see, monkey kill.

Director

Jordan Vogt-Roberts

Cast

Tom Hiddleston
Samuel L. Jackson
John Goodman
Brie Larson
Jing Tian
Toby Kebbell
John Ortiz
Corey Hawkins
John C. Reilly

After nearly forty years living on Earth, it’s not often that movies surprise me, but when they do it’s like I’m eight years old at Christmas again. When you’re an adult opening presents, you almost always know what’s inside that wrapping paper, but when you’re eight, that package could contain anything from an action figure […]

Table 19

Film Title

Table 19

Synopsis

The longest wedding reception ever.

Director

Jeffrey Blitz

Cast

Anna Kendrick
Lisa Kudrow
Craig Robinson
June Squibb
Wyatt Russell
Stephen Merchant
Tony Revolori

As we discussed our opinions of Table 19 following its screening, one person mentioned that there are hardly any romantic comedies being made these days. After thinking about it for a moment, I realized the only one I could think of from 2016 was Deadpool. It is too a romantic comedy, just a guy’s romantic […]

Logan

Film Title

Logan

Synopsis

Wolverine fights old age, an old man, a ten-year old, a terminator arm, and himself.

Director

James Mangold

Cast

Hugh Jackman
Patrick Stewart
Dafne Keen
Stephen Merchant
Boyd Holbrook
Richard E. Grant
Elizabeth Rodriguez

As I’ve said on multiple occasions, you probably aren’t going to find more of a Wolverine homer than yours truly. I inexplicably told you to see X-Men Origins: Wolverine twice and gushed about The Wolverine without mentioning how kind of terrible the Silver Samurai was portrayed (though I stand by The Wolverine being an excellent […]

The Great Wall

Film Title

The Great Wall

Synopsis

Monsters order dinner from Chinese takeout menu.

Director

Zhang Yimou

Cast

Matt Damon
Jing Tian
Pedro Pascal
Willem Dafoe
Andy Lau

I’m not sure how, but I managed to avoid trailers for The Great Wall until the night before the screening. I wasn’t even trying to avoid them, I just hadn’t seen any for this particular movie. Prior to seeing that trailer, I thought The Great Wall was a historical fiction in the vein of Tom […]

Fist Fight

Film Title

Fist Fight

Synopsis

A terrified horse tries to escape from a demented high school.

Director

Richie Keen

Cast

Charlie Day
Ice Cube
Jillian Bell
Tracy Morgan
Dean Norris

I wish someone had punched me in the face when I decided to watch this movie. Even before I said it out loud, just thinking that thought should have caused someone to run through my door and cold-cock me. I knew – KNEW –Fist Fight was going to be a terrible movie after watching the […]

The Lego Batman Movie

Film Title

The Lego Batman Movie

Synopsis

Showing Zach Snyder how to make a good DC Comics movie.

Director

Chris McKay

Cast

Will Arnett
Michael Cera
Rosario Dawson
Ralph Fiennes
Zach Galifianakis
Jenny Slate

Here’s the truth – I wanted to see The Lego Batman Movie as much as my 4-year old son. We’ve been slowly building a Lego city in our basement over the past year and I love watching his little imagination work. I also love feeling like a kid myself. So this is the perfect movie […]

John Wick: Chapter 2

Film Title

John Wick: Chapter 2

Synopsis

Knee shot, head shot. Knee shot, head shot.

 

Director

Chad Stahelski

Cast

Keanu Reeves
Laurence Fishburne
Ruby Rose
Ian McShane
Common
Riccardo Scamarcio
Claudia Gernin
John Leguizamo

It’s been two and a half years since John Wick murdered scores of people over a dead dog and stolen car and I still don’t understand how that movie scored an 85% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It was easily one of the worst written movies of 2014 that somehow got a complete pass because […]

The Space Between Us

Film Title

The Space Between Us

Synopsis

Bored Martian teenager acts just like bored Earth teenager – Skyping, ignoring parents, and stealing cars.

Director

Peter Chelsom

Cast

Gary Oldman
Asa Butterfield
Carla Gugino
Britt Robertson
BD Wong

My immediate impression of The Space Between Us was it was cute, I guess. That might be the last nice thing I say about this film because I spent the last twenty-four hours realizing that it’s kind of bad. Then I looked up the current Rotten Tomatoes score and…oh. Oh no. 11%? It wasn’t that […]

Gold

Film Title

Gold

Synopsis

Matthew McConaughey drives his gold-filled Lincoln from Indonesia to New York City

Director

Stephan Gaghan

Cast

Matthew McConaughey
Edgar Ramirez
Corey Stoll
Bryce Dallas Howard
Craig T. Nelson
Stacy Keach

The first thing you are going to do after watching Gold is look up the actual story the film is based on. Actually, the real first thing you are going to do after watching Gold is find a Lincoln commercial so as to try to get the image of fat, comb-over, snaggle-tooth Matthew McConaughey out […]