I get that I am not the audience for Beauty and the Beast. I am not a fan of musicals. I am not a ten-year-old girl who doesn’t care about plot holes or young women being held against their will. I do not find buffaloes attractive, not even rich, royal buffaloes. I do not care […]
Film TitleBeauty and the Beast (2017)
Disney proves, yet again, that you don’t actually care about how many reboots, remakes, sequels, or franchise films there are.
Film TitleKong: Skull Island
Monkey see, monkey kill.
Samuel L. Jackson
John C. Reilly
After nearly forty years living on Earth, it’s not often that movies surprise me, but when they do it’s like I’m eight years old at Christmas again. When you’re an adult opening presents, you almost always know what’s inside that wrapping paper, but when you’re eight, that package could contain anything from an action figure […]
Film TitleTable 19
The longest wedding reception ever.
As we discussed our opinions of Table 19 following its screening, one person mentioned that there are hardly any romantic comedies being made these days. After thinking about it for a moment, I realized the only one I could think of from 2016 was Deadpool. It is too a romantic comedy, just a guy’s romantic […]
Wolverine fights old age, an old man, a ten-year old, a terminator arm, and himself.
Richard E. Grant
As I’ve said on multiple occasions, you probably aren’t going to find more of a Wolverine homer than yours truly. I inexplicably told you to see X-Men Origins: Wolverine twice and gushed about The Wolverine without mentioning how kind of terrible the Silver Samurai was portrayed (though I stand by The Wolverine being an excellent […]
Film TitleThe Great Wall
Monsters order dinner from Chinese takeout menu.
I’m not sure how, but I managed to avoid trailers for The Great Wall until the night before the screening. I wasn’t even trying to avoid them, I just hadn’t seen any for this particular movie. Prior to seeing that trailer, I thought The Great Wall was a historical fiction in the vein of Tom […]
Film TitleFist Fight
A terrified horse tries to escape from a demented high school.
I wish someone had punched me in the face when I decided to watch this movie. Even before I said it out loud, just thinking that thought should have caused someone to run through my door and cold-cock me. I knew – KNEW –Fist Fight was going to be a terrible movie after watching the […]
Film TitleThe Lego Batman Movie
Showing Zach Snyder how to make a good DC Comics movie.
Here’s the truth – I wanted to see The Lego Batman Movie as much as my 4-year old son. We’ve been slowly building a Lego city in our basement over the past year and I love watching his little imagination work. I also love feeling like a kid myself. So this is the perfect movie […]
Film TitleJohn Wick: Chapter 2
Knee shot, head shot. Knee shot, head shot.
It’s been two and a half years since John Wick murdered scores of people over a dead dog and stolen car and I still don’t understand how that movie scored an 85% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It was easily one of the worst written movies of 2014 that somehow got a complete pass because […]
Film TitleThe Space Between Us
Bored Martian teenager acts just like bored Earth teenager – Skyping, ignoring parents, and stealing cars.
My immediate impression of The Space Between Us was it was cute, I guess. That might be the last nice thing I say about this film because I spent the last twenty-four hours realizing that it’s kind of bad. Then I looked up the current Rotten Tomatoes score and…oh. Oh no. 11%? It wasn’t that […]
Matthew McConaughey drives his gold-filled Lincoln from Indonesia to New York City
Bryce Dallas Howard
Craig T. Nelson
The first thing you are going to do after watching Gold is look up the actual story the film is based on. Actually, the real first thing you are going to do after watching Gold is find a Lincoln commercial so as to try to get the image of fat, comb-over, snaggle-tooth Matthew McConaughey out […]