Wind River

Film Title

Wind River

Synopsis

A hunter and an FBI agent show tribal police how to solve murders.

Director

Taylor Sheridan

Cast

Jeremy Renner
Elizabeth Olsen
Graham Greene
Gil Birmingham
Kelsey Asbille
Jon Bernthal

The Great White Hunter The last shot of the movie Wind River has a title card stating that no data is kept tracking the number of missing Native American girls. This is a strange way to end a movie that isn’t about missing girls, but is about solving the murder of a Native American girl. […]

The Dark Tower

Film Title

The Dark Tower

Synopsis

A kinda, sorta, vague adaptation of bits and pieces of Stephen King’s Dark Tower series.

Director

Nikolaj Arcel

Cast

Idris Elba
Matthew McConaughey
Tom Taylor
Jackie Earle Haley
Abbey Lee Kershaw

Adapt at your own risk. Let’s just get this out of the way right now. If you are a fan of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, at the very least, you are probably going to be disappointed in the movie The Dark Tower. At the very most, you’re going to be pissed off for […]

Atomic Blonde

Film Title

Atomic Blonde

Synopsis

An MI6 agent is tasked with Ethan Hunt’s first mission while set to awful music.

Director

David Leitch

Cast

Charlize Theron
James McAvoy
John Goodman
Sofia Boutella
Eddie Marsan
Toby Jones
James Faulkner
Roland Miller

Confusion and breasts. It’s not often that I’m completely confused by my feelings for a movie, but Atomic Blonde is one of those instances. My immediate reaction at the end of the movie was “I think I liked it? Maybe?” It definitely had elements I liked and there weren’t any obvious (at least to me) […]

Dunkirk

Film Title

Dunkirk

Synopsis

Dunkirk.

Director

Christopher Nolan

Cast

Fionn Whitehead
Harry Styles
Kenneth Branagh
Tom Hardy
Jack Lowden
Mark Rylance
Tom Glynn-Carney
Cillian Murphy
Barry Keoghan

The war-iest of war movies. We’ve all seen what Christopher Nolan is capable of and it’s almost always been fantastic. We’re at a point now where “Directed by Christopher Nolan” is all that needs to be said to peak interest in a new movie. In other words, the opposite of “Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.” […]

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Film Title

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Synopsis

The result of 10,000 computers vomiting for 2 hours and 17 minutes.

Director

Luc Besson

Cast

Dane DeHaan
Cara Delevingne
Clive Owen (Seriously)
Ethan Hawke (Seriously)
Rihanna
Herbie Hancock
Rutger Hauer
Sam Spruell

Oh, dear god. Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby. Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball. Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of the goose poop scattered on the field. That is […]

Wish Upon

Film Title

Wish Upon

Synopsis

A high school girl makes wishes that end in unintentional comedy and novelty deaths.

Director

John R. Leonetti

Cast

Joey King
Ryan Phillippe
Ki Hong Lee
Mitchell Slaggert
Shannon Purser
Sydney Park
Elisabeth Rohm
Josephine Langford

Kind of some obvious wishes did not get made. Sometimes, you have to be in the right mood to enjoy a movie, especially a bad one. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to a podcast called My Dad Wrote a Porno and it is arguably the funniest thing I’ve heard in my […]

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Film Title

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Synopsis

Tom Holland and Marvel help us forget 13 years and 3 movies of shame.

Director

Jon Watts

Cast

Tom Holland
Michael Keaton
Marisa Tomei
Robert Downey Jr.
Jon Favreau
Zendaya
Donald Glover

Now we can argue about the best Spider-Man actor. Do you realize it’s been thirteen years since the last good Spider-Man film? Spider-Man 2 was the last good one and Andrew Garfield was not better than Tobey Maguire. Yeah, I said it. The Amazing Spider-Man was bland and Garfield’s portrayal was mediocre and not sympathetic. […]

Baby Driver

Film Title

Baby Driver

Director

Edgar Wright

Cast

Ansel Elgort
Kevin Spacey
Jon Hamm
Jamie Foxx
Eiza Gonzalez
Lily James
Jon Bernthal
CJ Jones

Worst title ever? In the context of the film, the title makes perfect sense. The main character is named Baby, he’s a getaway driver for heists, and he’s really young. In the context of wanting to sell more movie tickets, it’s maybe the worst title ever. When I first saw it on the advanced screening […]

Despicable Me 3

Film Title

Despicable Me 3

Synopsis

Gru and family fight the 1980s.

Director

Pierre Coffin and Kyle Balda

Cast

Steve Carrell
Kristen Wiig
Trey Parker
Miranda Cosgrove
Dana Gaier
Nev Scharrel
Pierre Coffin

How to entertain children and adults at the same time. As a kid of the eighties, Despicable Me 3 managed to remind me of how completely stupid was that entire decade. Stupid clothes, stupid trends, stupid catch phrases, and some really, really stupid music. Despicable Me 3 put those things back in the spotlight, simultaneously […]

Transformers: The Last Knight

Film Title

Transformers: The Last Knight

Synopsis

Just stop.

Director

Michael Bay

Cast

Mark Wahlberg
Anthony Hopkins
Stanley Tucci
Laura Haddock
Josh Duhamel
Isabel Moner
Peter Cullen
John Goodman
John Turturro
Ken Watanabe
Gemma Chan
Steve Buscemi

A run-on sentence, but with explosions. I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is Transformers: The Last Knight is the third best (and third worst) movie in the franchise. The bad news is it’s still a Transformers sequel. Yes, you read that right and you are wrong – the first Transformers movie […]