Comfortable and Furious

The Human Centipede (2009)

This is a movie where a mad scientist makes a giant centipede out of humans by sewing them ass-to-mouth. I’m sure there are people out there who recoil in disgust at the thought of such a film. I am not one of those people. The movie takes place in Germany, and the only things I know about Germany come from History Channel shows about WWII, the movie Beerfest, and all the crazy porn they make that involves feces.

The Human Centipede seems to encompass a little bit of all three; therefore, it only reinforces my opinions of this bizarre nation. If you have kids, and they are learning about geography, then this movie would probably be a fantastic teaching aid. Forget Einstein, Hitler, and Hans Gruber, the only German your kids need to know is Dr. Joseph Heiter. He is the guy who makes a centipede out of humans.

Dr. Heiter is played by an actor named Dieter Laser (why even rename him for the movie? Silly Germans). The good doctor captures two American bimbos, Jenny and Lindsay, who stumble upon his isolated house on a cold, rainy evening. Their car suffers a flat tire, and rather than actually changing it, they go on a search through the woods, undoubtedly looking for somebody with a penis that understands the complex mechanical process of loosening lug nuts. Dr. Heiter wastes no time; he offers the bimbos some water to drink– water spiked with roofies! I was hoping Dr. Heiter would give them a double dose because these looked like the kind of broads who’ve built up a tolerance over the years.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a typical date rape. Lindsay wakes up to find herself tied up with her friend in Dr. Laser’s basement (yes, we’re going to call him that now). Dr. Laser also has a little Japanese man tied up with them, and the good doc lets them know about his plans. At this point, the audience seriously questions the professionalism of Dr. Laser, as he uses a poorly drawn diagram of a human centipede to illustrate his point. Even college freshmen use PowerPoint these days. He says he will cut the ligaments in their legs, forcing them to walk on their knees. Then he will sew their mouths to their anuses, connecting them via one gastrointestinal system.

At this point, my thoughts were all over the place. Of all the animals to make people out of, a boring ass centipede? Really? If he had made the Human Shark, he wouldn’t even have to drug people, I’d have signed up for that! Plus, a centipede is supposed to have 100 legs. The word “centi” means 100 in Latin. This thing (made from three people) is only going to have twelve legs. He should call it “The Human Twelve-a-pede.” If he wants a real Human Centipede, he needs 25 people, or 24 people plus two people with no arms. There are endless combinations, but you get the drift. It needs 100 appendages on the ground at all times. You could even sew extra arms on people, whatever it takes. Why didn’t he just go around Germany cutting the arms off 49 random people and then attach all those severed arms on just one guy? I swear, sometimes I think Germans are a little fucked in the head.

The centipede-manufacturing process looks quite painful and scary. I kind of wanted the girls to escape, but then again, the movie is called The Human Centipede, and this is the kind of shit we signed up for when we pushed play. Needless to say, no one escapes. And there we are, the audience, to marvel at his wondrous scientific creation. Our first glimpse of the pede is grotesque. The Japanese guy is first in line, dressed in a diaper and looking like a shrunken sumo wrestler, and in tow, he’s got Lindsay, whose mouth is sewed to his butthole, and affixed to Lindsay’s butthole (probably not for the first time) is Jenny. Jenny’s butthole remains tragically lonely. This is where the pede ends. I had to pause the movie at this point and just stare.

The Doctor then takes the Pede outside. I’m thinking he’s going to spray paint it reddish brown, teach it to tunnel under the earth, or eat foliage, but no! He teaches it to sit and fetch. Dr. Laser! It’s a centipede, not a fucking dog! You want a dog, you go to the pound. You make this thing do centipede type shit right now or else! And that’s when it hit me– Dr. Laser is a complete lunatic! In the back of my mind, I was hoping all this was for some greater good, some science shit where the ends justify the means, kind of like how they dump mice in vats of paint thinner to make sure it’s bad for humans, but this is just a nonsensical game.

Then, right there on the front lawn, the Japanese guy’s eyes cross, he clasps his fingers together, and he drops a log of half-digested rice right in poor Lindsay’s mouth. “Feed Her!” Dr. Laser eagerly moans. Note: if you’re watching this with a German friend, this is probably the part of the movie that if you look at him, he’s got his dick out.

Lindsay’s got to put that baby down. Let’s go girl, that turd is like Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman, it’s got nowhere else to go. We watch as Lindsay struggles to swallow that solid, fibrous mass of excrement. She does, and there is a sense of relief, but it is tinged with a sense of foreboding as we know what’s next for Jenny in a few hours– rank feces, recycled twice over.

The wild card in the whole movie is the Japanese guy. Coming from a culture that watches cartoon porno, sells little girls’ used panties out of vending machines, and slaughters and eats dolphins, I find it hard to believe that this fucker didn’t derive a small amount of enjoyment from having two smoking hot western women fastened to his anus and forced to follow him around as he dropped deuces into their gaping, silenced mouths. I bet the little guy absolutely loved it. I bet he was in Boner City the whole time. When he cried for help, it just wasn’t that believable to me. I think that was the most illogical, implausible part of the whole experience.

I don’t want to spoil the suspenseful conclusion of the film, but let me just say it’s worth watching. It’s as thought-provoking as it is entertaining. So, am I glad I watched it? Yes. Did it make me a better person? No. Do I like asking questions and answering them myself? Yes.






2 responses to “The Human Centipede (2009)”

  1. Goat Avatar

    There are some movies that I will never, ever watch. We often, at Ruthless, ask our writers to do horrible things. Like requiring AL to watch and review The Emoji Movie, and not even pay for his ticket. That there are actually 3 of these movies is beyond comprehension. Thank you, L. Ron Mexico…I think.

  2.  Avatar

    Fittingly tasteless review of the film.

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