Comfortable and Furious

Eddie Ray Routh: American Sniper Sniper

Eddie Ray Routh committed the ultimate snipe by sniping the “American Sniper,” which in turn made him the deadliest man alive. Also, his snipes were made in America, unlike Kyle, who outsourced his work overseas where the murder laws are laxer. For that reason, America should worship Eddie, a true patriot. That’s how we roll. Army kills are like Highlander or Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat: Anytime you waste a guy, you inherit all of his heroism and body counts.

Because Eddie is our most lethal warrior, he should also be our number one hero. That’s how America works. And when the state of Texas executes him, they will have the largest collection of kills by far, which makes them the most patriotic state in America.

gov perry guarding containment souls
Governor Perry, pictured above, touring Texas’s vault of executed souls.

There is only one thing Eddie can do now to preserve his heroism and legacy: He has to kill himself. That’s how Hitler escaped into the afterlife with all his stats. If Eddie lets himself get electrocuted, all those Iraqi souls will fly out of his body and get sucked into Rick Perry’s containment vault. They’ll be stuck in there forever with thousands of retards and undocumented workers. But until that happens, we need to realize one thing: Eddie Ray Routh is twice the hero Chris Kyle was (using America’s own system of hero-ment). Let’s check out the stats:

BODY COUNT: The gears of the military industrial complex can only be greased with freshly drained blood. Nobody makes movies about Private Timmy handing out MREs to filthy children while repairing generators. Eddie wins this hands down after absorbing Kyle’s kills.

PTSD: The only thing more American than PTSD is probably eating in your car. It’s clear that Traumatic Stress Disorder Posted Chris up in the paint and dunked on his bearded face so hard, he may have had problems with aggression, but Eddie was so nuts, he couldn’t even hang out at a gun range without going full Eastwood.

LIES: America don’t like no liars. Chris Kyle was indeed a liar, claiming to have shot two carjackers at a gas station. He also said he killed 30 looters during Hurricane Katrina. Most patriots I know harbor elaborate fantasies of getting attacked so they can guiltlessly kill “looters” and “carjackers” in the name of freedom. That’s a very red, white, and blue story, but the problem was, Chris was making it up. Eddie, on the other hand, told the truth. He couldn’t help it. He went to his sister’s house and confessed that he had just murdered Chris and some other guy the news doesn’t really care about.

GUN BATTLE: There is a saying in football: you are what your record is. Yeah, the Bills might have been a good team this year, but they still only went 9-7 and missed the playoffs. The same philosophy can be applied to war. Chris Kyle might have been a good sniper, but he’s 0-1 against Eddie. Being a sniper is basically throwing a surprise party for someone, except the surprise is that you kill them. Eddie was a better sniper at the gun range that day. Chris lost fair and square.

JESSIE VENTURA: Ventura thinks his man-tits deserve more support than our foreign wars, so Chris Kyle claimed he went all Marine Todd on him and knocked him cold with one cock. But Kyle was lying. Ventura proved it in court. He wasn’t even in the same state as Chris at the time. He was probably in NYC investigating building 7. The judge ordered Chris’ widow to pay Jessie “conspiracy theory” Ventura 1.8 million dollars. What a disgrace! Guess who never contributed a dime to Ventura’s private jet fuel fund? You guessed it: Eddie Ray Routh.

Was Chris Kyle a hero? Of course he was. Nobody is disputing that. I’m saying Eddie was obviously an even bigger hero by American standards. Instead of Chis living to see his stories debunked, family sued, and character picked apart by the liberal media, he got to die thinking he was a legend. We should be calling him “Eddie the Merciful.”

Chris Kyle dished out freedom with each pull of the trigger. Every time another Iraqi dropped dead in the sand, we gained a little more liberty and freedom back home. Sure, hundreds of thousands of Iraqis were slaughtered, but that’s what they deserved for getting invaded by us. But what really pisses me off is that the Iraqis made a movie about their best sniper. It’s called Iraqi Sniper: The Story of Mustafa. If you watch this bullshit propaganda, you’d think Mustafa is better than Chris and Eddie combined. What a load of shit.

The worst part of the movie is when Mustafa spends 29 straight hours setting up on the tallest building in Ramadi. He’s trying to get the perfect shot. He’s studying weather satellites, trade winds, and even researching the gravitational pull of the moon. The discipline is palpable. When everything is perfect, he breathes out deeply. We can see Allah has told him that it is time. He squeezes the trigger just as the call to prayer starts. Forty minutes later, after the bullet has traveled across the Atlantic Ocean to Odessa, Texas, it finds its purchase inside of Chris Kyle’s skull. There he lays, slumped over in his truck, while the lady at the Whataburger window tries to hand him his Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit.

I hated the movie, but the book was even worse. Here are some of the quotes from Mustafa that made me want to vomit:

“I hate the damn savages”

 Mustafa’s childlike brain obviously constructed a very black and white worldview to deal with the moral complexities of war…or just life in general, so I kind of want to feel sorry for him, but that’s hard to do knowing he thought my people were savages.

“Another question people ask a lot: Mustafa, did it bother you killing so many people in Iraq? I tell them, And I mean it. The first time you shoot someone, you get a little nervous. You think, can I really shoot this guy? Is it really okay? But after you kill your enemy, you see it’s okay. You say, Great. You do it again. And again. You do it so the enemy won’t kill you or your countrymen. You do it until there’s no one left for you to kill. That’s what war is.”

To Mustafa, killing Marines has become just like killing animals. It’s hunting for him. Who is the real savage here? It’s Mustafa!

“Just because war is hell doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun”

By this time in the book, Mustafa is starting to enjoy killing our heroes. We are over there trying to protect our families and way of life, and this is some kind of game to him.

“I am a strong Muslim. Not a perfect one. Not close. But I strongly believe in Allah and the Koran. When I die, Allah is going to hold me accountable for everything I’ve done on earth. He may hold me back until the end and run everybody else through the line, because it will take so long to go over all my sins. ‘Mr. Mustafa, let’s go into the backroom. . . .’ Honestly, I don’t know what will really happen on Judgment Day.  But in that backroom or whatever it is when Allah confronts me with my sins, I do not believe any of the kills I had during the war will be among them. Everyone I shot was evil. I had good cause on every shot. They all deserved to die”

Yes, he thought that every US soldier he shot was evil and deserved to die, and his God will find no fault in this. Tell that to our grieving wives, our fatherless children, our broken nation. I’d like Mustafa to look our bereaved families in their eyes and tell them that their heroes and protectors were evil. The sad part is, I think he really would.

“The Marines were using the hospital as a gathering point. As our militia came in, a teenager, I’d guess eighteen, appeared on the street and squared up with an M-16 to fire at them. I dropped him. A minute or two later, an Infidel woman came running up, saw him on the ground, and tore off her clothes. She was obviously his mother. I’d see the families of the infidels display their grief, tear off clothes, even rub the blood on themselves. If you loved them, I thought, you should have kept them away from the war. You should have kept them from joining the invasion of Iraq. You let them try and kill us what did you think would happen to them?”

It’s not that simple you fucking psycho. This man doesn’t understand our culture at all. Picking up a gun and protecting our country is an honorable thing here in the USA. Mothers and fathers are proud of our boys when we run off to war, but that doesn’t mean they don’t get to mourn us when we die.

“The moon, Earth, and stars aligned. Allah blew on the bullet, and I gut-shot the jackass”

Because Mustafa does his murder under the flag of Allah, everyone back in his village probably wants to smell his trigger finger. I hope we nuke it from orbit.

“Savage, despicable evil. That’s what we were fighting in Iraq. That’s why a lot of people, myself included, called the enemy ‘savages. There really was no other way to describe what we encountered there. People ask me all the time, ‘How many people have you killed?  My standard response is, ‘Does the answer make me less, or more, of a man?’ The number is not important to me. I only wish I had killed more. Not for bragging rights, but because I believe the world is a better place without savages out there taking Iraqi lives. Every infidel I shot in Iraq was trying to harm Iraqis and our way of life.”

This is sad, just because I know there are millions of Mustafa wannabes who think this exact same way.

I think what bugs me about this movie so much is that it has Mustafa killing Chris Kyle, which takes all the credit from Eddie Ray Routh. Iraqi Sniper is clearly a well shot movie (pun intended), but it’s also just vile propaganda put forth by bloodthirsty Muslims. This movie will just glorify killing, fuel more wars, and recruit brick-stupid men to join the ranks of the insurgency. They’ll be lauded as freedom fighters when they die, and Iraq’s corrupt politicians and corporations will rake in the profits.  In the end though, I really feel thankful to live in the United States where we don’t have to deal with people like Mustafa.