Comfortable and Furious

A Think Piece About Think Pieces That Will Change the Way You Think About Pieces

A thinkpiece is defined as an in-depth article that discusses a topic thoroughly and elaborates the writer’s point of view, to inspire deep thought related to an article’s subject.

Most people don’t understand that thinkpieces turn into thoughtpieces after they get read; a thinkpiece is only a thinkpiece while you’re reading it, like right now. This is a thinkpiece, but are you really even thinking? Or are you just reading? That’s right. You’re just reading. I’m the one doing the thinking. I’m thinkpiecing. You’re just readpiecing. Because of this irrefutable fact, thinkpieces don’t inspire thinking. They just inspire reading. This can be…problematic.

Think pieces are the writer’s way of taking lofty logic leaps via gymnastic prose to turn you against something you love. Remember those white-hot, white hot belly dancers? I used to love them until I learned about culture appropriation from an ugly lady. There was even a time in my life when I would stop a marine dead in his tracks and thank him for service, but then I got thoughtpieced and realized that until Metallica and Rhianna do a benefit concert for Edward Snowden, the thanking of servicemen is both “decadent and depraved”

The musings of the morally superior have always tumbled down the pyramid of academia inside the heads of the self-righteous. Even before the internet, philosophers used to trick their students into learning by answering questions. The Socratic method was how you thoughtpieced somebody before the invention of the printing press.

Socrates: What’s the best feeling in the world?

Student: Probably fucking.

Socrates: Who is cooler to just hang out with, babes or dudes?

Student: Dudes, definitely.

Socrates: Then what’s the best thing you could do with your life?

Student: hmm, fuck dudes I guess.

Socrates: Glad you feel that way. Now get over here and suck my dick.

These days, people conflate reading with thinking. Yes, you read an article. I bet you feel pretty proud of yourself. Naturally, you’re going to adopt the opinion of that article or else admit it was a gigantic waste of time, time you could have used beating off, but decided to read about the evils of texting instead.

Reading, is it good or bad? Tell me your answer aloud please. You’re probably conditioned to think that it is good, but most people don’t know this: Reading, PA has the highest poverty rate in the United States of America, and here is the link to prove it.

I bet you feel like a dirty piece of shit for liking Reading. You should. You didn’t know which Reading I was talking about. You made a logical assumption based on context, and I exposed you to be a heartless cunt who derives bliss from starving children. I got you. I got you good, you fucker. I can do this all day. If I said I pissed off a piece of poo stuck to the side of the toilet, did I do it with my dick, or did I call it a racist? I bet you’re picturing me doing both of those things right now. This is probably the most thinking you’ve ever done while reading a thinkpiece. It’s disturbing, isn’t it?

Let’s try this again. Rape, is it good or bad? You probably said “good” because you’re scared I’m going to trick you again. Sorry, bucko. The beautiful town of Rape, Wisconsin doesn’t exist. Your fear of being manipulated forced you to stick up for rape. You would gladly advocate for the forcible penetration of a thousand crying, terrified women just to avoid getting thinkpieced again?

You realize what this means, right? This means that thinkpieces are actually worse than rape.