The Shape of Water

Film Title

The Shape of Water

Synopsis

Aqua-Gollum & Key Lime Pie Bestiality Porn flick gone horribly wrong

Director

Guillermo del Toro

Cast

Sally Hawkins
Michael Shannon
Richard Jenkins
Octavia Spencer
Michael Stuhlbarg
Doug Jones
Nick Searcy
Key Lime Pie

The Shape of Water has been nominated for an incredible 13 Oscars. That’s about 12 too many. Kevin tried to warn me about this film, but at the urging of a friend, I saw it anyway. Guillermo Del Toro made Pan’s Labyrinth, which was a beautiful film, and one of my favorites. The cinematography in The Shape of Water was also stunning, and Michael Shannon delivered as a heartless villain. There are already well over 1,000 professional reviews out for this movie, so I’ll make this relatively brief, and *spoilers* be damned.

The Shape of Water

In a Cold War setting, the military captured a fish-man (the asset), and for some unknown reason decide to kill it so they could dissect him (it). This supposedly would help them close the gap with the Russians, who had already sent a monkey into space. Go figure. Anyway, others are interested in MerMan, including of course the Russians. Also intrigued was one of two female janitors who were continuously mopping up nothing at the facility. The mute janitor (Sally Hawkins) somehow rescued the heavily-guarded fish man with the help of Zelda (Octavia Spencer), the inevitable Black janitor-maid-know it all-Magical Negro. Also involved in the heist was her best buddy, Giles, an out of work artist-closet gay-wimp with a key lime pie fetish.

Elisa Esposito had not only managed to nonchalantly spring the monster from the facility, but also fell in love with it. She had bathroom sex with the fish who somehow developed a magical penis. Richard Strickland (Michael Shannon) was in charge of the missing asset and had been torturing it with a cattle-prod. Why? Goat-damn if I know. Anyway, the creature had bitten two of his fingers and because there was no medical science back in 1962 they became gangrenous There were big-finned Cadillacs, however, and the fish-robbers managed to trash Strickland’s new car on the way out, pissing him off even more. The janitors and the gay pie man had to get the fish man back to the ocean, and a bunch of people got shot as the lagoon monster and his new lady friend escaped into the sea.

The Shape of Water

I was literally cringing during the entire ordeal. The sets were beautiful, but seemed oddly out of place for the film. The dialogue was ridiculous at times and there were plot holes that you could drive a space shuttle through. If this fish-man was indeed a god, then how was he captured, kept chained up, and smacked around by Michael Shannon? In what looked like the most secure military facility of the Cold War, they had security cameras everywhere except where they need them the most. This allowed a mute janitor to lackadaisically spring the Green Gollum in a laundry basket. This happened at a secret Military Base that had only ONE guard to secure the joint from intruders, and ONE authority (Strickland) to try to find the lost asset.

Seriously, there have been some unworthy movies hyped and Oscar’d before, but this one wins the prize. The movie was just ludicrous and the stupid political content was annoying as Hell. Del Toro managed to shoehorn in the repression of Blacks who wanted pie not to go, Hispanics, Gays, Jews, Deaf-Mutes, Talking Mutes, cats and people who were OCD about key-lime pie. Also, I don’t know how they got this movie past PETA, but I must admit that the cat getting his head bitten off by the Sea Monster was the highlight of the film for me.

5.0/10.0 and that includes +1.5 points for T & A and a woman having sex with a fish.

Special Ruthless Ratings -or- Things I Learned from The Shape of Water

  • Is this the most over-rated film since Forrest Gump?: Unfortunately, Yes.
  • Your finest moment during this film?: When I correctly predicted that the fish monster was going to kill and eat the cat
  • The number of times my companion pinched me after I made this prediction: 3
  • The number of times I realized that this shit-fest won numerous Golden Globes: 1
  • The number of Golden Globes that Blade Runner 2049 was even nominated for: 0
  • The number of times I wished I was watching Phantom Thread again instead of this miserable film: 100
  • At a top-level secret Military Facility, there will be only one guard to prevent intruders from accessing the base.
  • You can convert a rickety bathroom into a sex-aquarium by merely stuffing a bath towel under the door.
  • If you wash your hands before you pee instead of after, you are hard-core
  • If you are G. Del Toro you can insert a random La-La Land scene in a movie and the Academy will love it.
  • Fish Gods with incredible super powers cannot figure out how to escape from chains or avoid being beaten by a human with a cattle-prod.
  • Even if you are a Fish God with super powers, you have to wait for a random canal to fill up with rain water before you can make an escape to the ocean.
  • After watching a monster bite the head off of another cat, the remaining cats are indifferent and will let the monster pet them.
About Goat

Goat is Retired. He does come out occasionally to help Erich and to write Christmas Reviews.