Month: May 2006
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Under Siege
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Read more: Under SiegeTagline: None listed. Really. Boo. Entire Story in Fewer Words Than Are in This Sentence: Villains overrun ship, Seagal transforms from cook to butcher. Homoeroticism: OK. I have to go into stupid chief mode here: Chief Schulte: Seagal!! Get in here! Seagal: Yes sir. Chief Schulte: You mind telling me what the hell you think…
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Toy Soldiers
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Read more: Toy SoldiersThis film is practically Tiger Beat writ large.
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They Live
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Read more: They LivePiper takes off his shirt, dampens his chest and the wife and kids are never mentioned again.
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Sharky’s Machine
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Read more: Sharky’s Machine“Nobody leans on Sharky’s Machine.”
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Rambo III
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Read more: Rambo IIIChrist Almighty, at least 20,000 men, women, and children are butchered in the span of a few hours.
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Murphy’s Law
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Read more: Murphy’s LawA solid 15 die during the course of the film, and for once, we get a nice variety.
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Braddock: Missing in Action III
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Read more: Braddock: Missing in Action IIIWhen we first see Norris, he’s reduced to a moustache, but quickly grows back the beard that made him a cuddly, bear-like hunk.
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Missing in Action 2: The Beginning
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Read more: Missing in Action 2: The BeginningWhen America needs a catharsis, gooks die.
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Marked For Death
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Read more: Marked For DeathThis one is just a mess of mixed and/or stupid messages. Seagal is a combatant in the war on drugs, which means that drugs have to be ridiculously vilified. We take a brief and amusing trip into Nancy ReaganÂs deluded nightmares…
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Malone
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Read more: Malone“Ex-Cop. Ex-CIA. Ex-Plosive!”