Comfortable and Furious

America’s Next Top Nazi

One of the men on this stage will win profiles in dozens of major media outlets. Interviews on national television. His name will be better known than that of most senators. If he chooses to run for office, his campaigns will be guaranteed more coverage than all other third parties combined, no matter how few votes he gets…

Who will be elevated from obscurity and failure and be declared… America’s Next Top Nazi?

[Audience breaks into applause.}

First, let’s meet our judges.

Joseph Kahn of the New York Times. [Crowd Cheers]

Our champion, from way back in season one, David Duke [Crowd boos. Duke feigns indignation, then smilingly uses his pinky to mimic Hitler’s mustache and the boos turn to laughter and cheers]

And Clara Jeffery of Mother Jones Magazine. [Crowd Cheers}

Our first contestant is Clint Baker, head of the nation’s fourth largest KKK chapter.

Clara: Is that true Clint?

Clint: Sure is! 47 members! We’re also the 84th largest non-professional organization in North Jefferson County. Soon to be 83rd, if the Murder, She Wrote fan club keep dropin’ off.

Joseph: If you position your cameras correctly, 47 people can look like a lot. Clint, the KKK is a strong brand, but is it also passe? Can our readers really be convinced that the KKK is a serious threat in 2016?

Clint: I don’t know Joe. Why don’t we answer that after we find them WMDs? [Audience “whooos!” and laughs.]

Clint: Just kiddin’. But we at the KKK are no longer about racial terrorism. We are just a pro-white organization, not an anti-darky one.

Clara: But nobody really believes that.

Clint:OK, but I really am much too afraid of jail to try anything illegal. If I’m America’s Next Top Nazi, your audience will get the satisfaction of placing themselves alongside the people who risked, and sometimes lost their lives standing up to the KKK a couple generations back. But they’ll have the safety of knowing that we’re only a few dozen guys in states they’ll never visit who are just as afraid as we are angry. That’s a winning combination.

These groups called stuff like, The Center For A New American Heritage or whatever, people don’t even know what they are and if you tell them, they forget a few minutes later. Hey, there’s a reason the KKK brand is still going strong.

David: Thank you Clint. Gonna be hard to go against my alma mater, that’s for sure.

Next, we have Spike Johanson, from Brooklyn, New York.

David: Now, Spike, some of our viewers might recognize you from another reality show competition.

Spike: That’s right David.

David: As I recall, you were on a cooking show. I remember you had the third biggest Mohawk of any of the chefs, specialized in handmade sausages, and, from what I could tell, displayed at least two different personality disorders. I guess things didn’t… pan out! [Audience laughs]

Spike: It’s true David. I thought getting runner up on the show would be just the launching pad I needed to open a successful, high end sausage boutique. Unfortunately, I didn’t plan on my investors and employees constantly sabotaging me. People just can’t stand to see me succeed. After I had to close down Toob, they even spread lies about me being impossible to work with that ruined me in the industry.

So I had to find another path to the success I know I deserve, and I noticed that White Power is really hot. Almost nobody is involved at the creative level, but the exposure is great. My mentor calls this “the surging point.”

Joseph: I can think of another frustrated young artist who made quite a splash in the racism world.

Finally, we have Richard Spencer

Clara: Wow Richard! Looking dapper!

Richard: Hey, there’s an angle you can run with guys!

Joseph: So Richard, it says here you dropped out of grad school and eventually stumbled into the white power movement. Also that you hate journalists…

Clara: Uh oh! [All panelists laugh]

Joseph: … or, as you refer to them in the original German…

Richard: Sorry, I don’t have my notes. Lungensprousen or something. But the point is, like David, the most successful Top Nazi of all time, I’m a decent looking, relatively well spoken guy. “The Nazi Next Door.” “Would You Date This Nazi?” I mean, the headlines just write themselves. Also, I’ll talk about Trump as much as you want me to. Heil Trump! Heil Jeff Simmons!

David: I believe that’s Jeff Sessions.

Richard: Sorry, I’m a little nervous. But I love that guy!

Clara: Why so nervous? Didn’t you recently speak before a national gathering of various factions of the alt-right and other white supremacists from across the country?

Richard: Yeah, I did. But that was like 170 people.

Clara: That’s a lot of people!

Richard: I guess, but, I mean, there are ten times more people at this taping.


Richard: Oh, yeah. I’m a pretty big deal, I guess. I endorse Donald Trump!

David: Well Richard, I think you’re a little rough around the edges. But I see a lot of potential. And that’s true of each of you. Let’s see how you all look next episode,after getting a week of image coaching from alpha seduction expert, Awe-sum Sauce, author of the hit e-book, “Rape Is Pretty Much Legal In Myanmar.”

Joseph: I can’t wait!



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