Comfortable and Furious

Assassin’s Creed (2016)

Time travel really messes with… Wait. Didn’t I do this all ready? I probably did. But because we are, all of us, inside The Singularity right now, that really doesn’t matter anymore, because out here, things like ‘didn’t’ and ‘here’ are just these outdated concepts from some ancient, brutal, ape-like species, living on some tiny speck of dust somewhere, long since forgotten, because, you see…

We all float, down here.

But it just so happens that ‘Assassin’s Creed’, the next movie I’m here to review, given, of course, the approval of His Holy and Forever Lordship The One and Truly Only Sir Goat, dear sir… What’s that, you say? He isn’t a God over there, in your simple little universe, as of yet? I know. But that’s only because you are all still really stupid, right now. You see, in your own tiny little universes, The Singularity is still happening. This day, a pretty simple system is being subjected to a truly overwhelming, thundering, screaming, enlightening stream of infinite knowledge, wisdom, and… sympathy. Therefore, in some way, it is about time travel.

Okay, so… I’m really wasted, right now [Editor’s Note: Again, no one cares], but I’m still going to try to explain the plot of this movie to you, so please bear with me. In 2016, Cal Lynch, played by Michael Fassbender, is sentenced to death for murder. After he is injected with all sorts of nasty stuff, he then doesn’t die, but instead wakes up in this weird research-type hospital sort of asylum. You know what I mean. It turns out that our Cal-man is a direct descendant from someone called Aguilar de Nerha, a member of the infamous 15th century Assassin Brotherhood. Therefore, the lab uses some scy-fy-i piece of tech called ‘The Animus’ (basically a full body set of VR-goggles) to connect Cal via his DNA to his distant ancestor.

This is so that he can fight his fights, and therefore can find The Apple of Eden, a device that controls free will, and must not come into the vile hands of The Templars. This is so that the world will not end, and of course, everybody dies.

As some of you out there might know, this movie is based on the video game of the same title. I seem to remember that I once played that game, and very quickly found it to be way too hard and complicated. You see, in order to make this Assassin-dude perform all those cool moves you had to insert, on that keyboard-thingy, all kinds of different combinations of strokes, and you know… That was just way too hard.

So, I have, unlike all you nerds out there, really no idea if the movie in any way holds up to the game, or why that should even be important. I mean, could we, as a species, who face the problems that we are facing today, please DON’T waste the precious little time and life we do have, on this tiny speck of dust of ours, on these really stupid things?

Thank you.

Now, is this a good movie? Yes, it is. [Editor’s Note: No, it’s not]

Are you, and is your whole life and existence in any understandable way that you might call something like, I don’t know… ‘real?’ Probably not.

Does it matter? No, it doesn’t.