Comfortable and Furious

Peter Rabbit (2018)

Peter Rabbit (2018) Don’t ask me why I watched this. Perhaps a little dementia is creeping in to go along with my boredom and post oral surgery misery. I really don’t know why. The charming classic story of Peter Rabbit written by Beatrix Potter was the basis of this book. From the very get-go, there was not a thing charming or classic about Peter Rabbit (2018). It was instantly and relentlessly annoying.

This film had almost nothing to do with the story of the original Peter Rabbit. What I mean is there wasn’t anything written in the book depicting Peter trying to sodomize Farmer McGregor’s buttcrack with a carrot. No matter, as moments later the farmer keeled over from a heart attack, much to the glee of Peter. Mean-spirited and an asshole, Peter felt entitled to take whatever he wanted. He also constantly put his easily-led peers in harms way.

After McGregor died, the animals moved into his gorgeous Lake District Countryside cottage. They immediately began to trash it with some sort of again entitled adverse possession fee simple deed of possession. This vandalism and chaos came to a halt when McGregor’s nephew Thomas showed up (Domhnall Gleeson), and evicted the vermin. He just wanted to clean it up, sell it, and open a Toy Store in London. He owned this property now, and the terrorists animals be damned.

The inexplicable and instant romance with his neighbor Bea (Rose Bryn) complicated Thomas’s eviction and extermination of the pests. She loved the little pests. The balance of the plot involved an all out war between Peter and Thomas while trying to hide their disdain for each other from Bea. There were traps, tricks, and totally predictable turn the tables, Home Alone style, as the battle raged between human and wabbits. Peter Rabbit’s gloating over these violent attacks had all the humor of Bin Laden’s celebration after 9/11.

The arms up scene where the hapless Thomas was pelted in the nuts by rabbits with slingshots seemed to go on forever. The entire movie was that way, even with its tight 1:30 run time. The cock was the only animated character that was remotely humorous, and the humor was much too subtle and highbrow to be appreciated by the intended audience (slack-jawed 7 year-olds).

So much for the plot as I think you get it. Some critics that I really respect actually give this thing a pass, but goat-damn this movie was a mess. Peter Rabbit failed as failed slapstick cash grab with random pop culture and even more random pop music insertions. Everything in this movie seemed forced and it was just a lame attempt at exploiting a literary classic to entertain kids. I won’t spoil anything, but the reflection, redemption and attempts to make things right were wooden and unconvincing. Peter Rabbit remained an arrogant narcissistic twit till the end.

The last 15 minutes of this movie made me want to die. I didn’t hate Peter Rabbit with the white-hot intensity reserved for something like Forrest Gump or It’s a Wonderful Life, but it was damn close. I give this shit-fest a 1.0/10.0 for entertainment and a 10.0/10.0 for stupidity.



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