The 2 Best Films of 2005

For me, 2005 was a year best forgotten. At least I assume so, since I can barely remember any of it. I think I got out to the theater twice, and each time sitting in the dark without any intoxicants to extinguish my thoughts was such a trial, that I kept looking up and expecting to see Torquemada. That doesn’t mean my interest in motion pictures evaporated completely, however. Rather, I’ve become more interested in distractions that can be viewed in the home. Preferably, these features are enhanced, rather than rendered unintelligible, by a pint of hard alcohol. Thus, only one “real” piece of cinema was able to make it into this year’s Top 2. And it only squeezed in because I decided against allowing my “Knight Rider” DVD set into the running for 2005’s Best Films.


2. Grizzly Man

Grizzly Man
In some ways, the attention this film received was as interesting as the film itself. It seems that Herzog snuck into the “indie” tributary that runs into the mainstream. He’s been referred to on the Simpsons, and this film, a documentary no less, received a lot of attention from the mainstream press and actually, like, made a profit. In my more deluded moments, I wonder if Ruthless’ relentless touting of Werner since our inception has in some way contributed to bringing his genius to a wider audience. Odd that this film was kind of a breakthrough because, to really understand it, you have to know that Herzog has taken the work of a filmmaker — who was in many ways antithetical to himself — and turned it into a Herzog film. It’s like G. Gordon Liddy producing lost Tupac tracks. Also, I don’t think this is close do being one of Herzog’s best, nor is it all that accessible. Little Dieter Needs to Fly trumps it on both counts. Although Grizzly Man film does feature an aged cherub gone insane, narrating a brutal, bowel-emptying brawl between two gigantic bears. I also caught, Good Night and Good Luck and The 40 Year Old Virgin this year, and neither one of them had that. In short, second-tier Herzog is better than everything else… almost.

1. Death by Horsecock

Death by Horse

All of Herzog’s accomplishments in Grizzly Man are met or exceeded by this minute long home-video. Ruthless Forumite, Spyder the Despicable, achieved Cuntkilla-esq immortality by posting this film. First and foremost, this is a great film, because it shows a man being fucked to death by a horse while his partner says, “Oh yeah, do you like that?” from behind the camera. The only thing funnier than the grunt of pain when the horse achieves half-penetration is the cry of pain and confusion as the horse slams all the way home, delivering a painful lesson in physiology.

But on another level, this is a depiction of humanity come full circle. We’ve separated ourselves from other animals with our huge brains and bendy thumbs. This is our world now. One of the idiots featured in this film, holds in his hand a device that can record and replay facsimiles of his sensory experiences. As stupid as he is, our man has mastered this miraculous device and captures these magnificent events for posterity. Second place for technological achievement goes to monkeys who use sticks to fish bugs out of holes and eat them. But no monkey has ever died of a perforated colon due to voluntarily being fucked in the ass by two-feet of horse schlong. We are the extra special monkeys who have conquered the rest of nature, and will use it to fuck ourselves in the ass until we die. Even at our moment of extinction, we will fail to recognize the heartless, unfeeling, unthinking nature of the destruction wrought by the grizzly bear, the horsecock or the atom. After the horse dick reduces our man’s insides to a meat smoothie, he asks, “did he come?” as though the lethal coitus was mutually meaningful. Man Fucked to Death by Horse, Grizzly Man Mainlined or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and see Nuclear Annihilation as Funny.



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