So, I guess it’s in the open now: Marvel Studios are nothing more than glorified drug dealers. If you ever need something to take the edge off a crappy day, if you ever feel the need to drown your neurons in ignorance, if you ever feel that your pedestrian life is fast approaching no conclusion, then Marvel has just what you need. Don’t get me wrong, I love any organization that is replacing religion as the opium of the masses, but I do have one complaint;I get the feeling they’re holding back. It’s like they want to give us the cookie, but they’re too worried about our bloodsugar to allow us to devour the whole box.
While critics praise Age of Ultron as the ultimate fanservice, let us offer the alternative that you never knew you wanted, but needed. Yes, here at Ruthless Reviews we love summer movie season so much that we wrote a pitch for the ultimate comic book movie, the one to end it all. This movie is so perfectly balanced and so overwhelmingly complete that no other will ever be needed. This will be what House MD was for Hugh Laurie’s career, or what Judas Priest was for heavy metal. This will be a life-changing moment, like the first time you saw that scene in Platoon when Willem Dafoe blows smoke into Charlie Sheen’s mouth through a shotgun barrel. We advise you to read the following words with care, as the nerd hype could be too much for some. So, without further ado…
Before we start, let’s not lie to ourselves: the best part of the Avengers 2 movie is the Iron Man/Hulk fight, mostly because my generation is made up of insecure pricks who don’t want to grow beyond the age of 13. So the Ultimate Avengers movie starts with Banner going dipshit crazy and the heroes teaming up to stop him. And I mean all the Marvel comic book heroes; every last one. I know copyright would prevent that from happening, but if I sell my children into slavery I still expect them to buy me smokes when I bark at them. (Besides, the only thing stronger than the Hulk is Marvel’s quarterly report.) So the superheroes all get to use their powers and deliver their funny one-liners, but this only gets the green monster angrier. Eventually, he ends up snapping them in half, one by one like fortune cookies.
Now the Marvel villains team up to stop him, but he beats them up too: He just lines them up, face down with their teeth biting on the curb, and stomps on the back of their heads with both feet in a savage display of rage. The Hulk then roars amidst the blood, guts, rubble, shattered bones and ragged costumes. The movie now takes a dark, brooding tone. After all, life is a hollow, meaningless struggle, so our movies about crime fighting clowns in underwear should reflect that. You might point out that this movie has no plot: don’t worry, its just how the industry works. First you think up the set pieces and then you build a story around them. It’s one of those things Hollywood learned from the porn industry.
When all seems lost, it’s time for the DC superheroes to try and stop him. Forty-five minutes and fifteen demolished cities later, they fail. (Studies show that you need to demolish a big city every two minutes and forty-five seconds or the audience will lose interest. We’re going with a city every three minutes hoping the risk will be worth it.) Wonder Woman ends up being broken on the Hulk’s knee after eating her own lasso. A careless backhand blow clears Batman’s head off his shoulders, his body still doing bat-fu poses before collapsing into a pool of his own blood. Superman breaks down in tears. He brushes himself off and gets pumped; this creature will be the second one to get his neck snapped.
And now we get to the thrilling 45 minute conclusion that all good comic book movies must have: Metallica’s For Whom the Bell Tolls starts playing as they stare each other down, rage building. The fight resumes with renewed savagery. Superman eventually grabs the Hulk and takes him into space, trying to freeze him. The Hulk gets angrier, grabs the Man of Steel by the back of his head and starts punching Henry Cavill in the face so hard that he starts to look like a deformed abomination (or an average British man). They both fly into the sun and Superman burns up like a mosquito in an insect buzzer. The Hulk then starts punching the sun. Back on Earth, the survivors see the sun start to flicker and then, in a quiet explosion, all light is extinguished from the sky. Everybody and everything freezes instantly and an eerie silence falls upon the desolate landscape.
Meanwhile, the Hulk has punched the sun into a black hole that starts to suck in the solar system.This makes the Hulk angrier, so he grabs it by the event horizon and starts punching harder. The black hole sucks in the entire galaxy, growing stronger. The Hulk gets angrier. The black hole sucks in all the matter in the universe, everything that ever was, the very fabric of reality, but this only makes the Hulk angrier. He punches the black hole into nothing and a calm, white endless landscape appears. In front of the Hulk a sage bearded man presents himself as the architect. The man turns his back to the Hulk and before he starts his monologue the Hulk grabs him and smashes him around, paying homage to the Loki scene of the first Avengers movie. The Hulk then says “God is dead.” (This line is very important for our more literate moviegoers. Besides, any Nietzsche quote that you can shoe-horn in is an extra star from YouTube movie critics.)
Now that it’s all over, the Hulk walks out of the movie screen and attacks the viewers. He beats up women using children, and men using the women. We all die a horrible, violent death! The only way this could have been avoided was to leave the Hulk alone in the first place.