Santa With Muscles (1996)

Film Title

Santa With Muscles (1996)

Director

John Murlowski

Cast

Hulk Hogan
Don Stark
Ed Begley Jr.
Robin Curtis
Garrett Morris
Aria Noelle Curzon
Adam Wylie
Clint Howard

Bad, bad, bad, BAD. With the possible exception of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, Santa With Muscles (1996) is not only the worst Christmas movie ever made, but it is one of the worst that could be made…ever. Weighing in at a whopping 2.4 at IMDB and ranked in the bottom 100 movies of all time, you know it is going to be beyond terrible, and it was. Nothing other than actually watching this 97 minutes of Hell can prepare you for how incompetent this movie actually was. On to the review.

santawithmuscles-5_thumb5

I just can’t. The plot of this movie is so preposterous that it can’t be articulated. O.K., I’ll try, but in short quips.

The Plot of Santa with Muscles:

  • Millionaire eccentric dropped on his head after paintball chase with police
  • Eccentric gets amnesia and is convinced by a store elf that he is Santa
  • Mad Scientist and henchmen want to raze orphanage to get valuable radioactive crystals buried in the catacombs below.
  • Orphanage captured by bad guys and kids forced into slave labor.
  • Santa must save orphanage (and Christmas).
  • Chaos ensues and the orphanage is destroyed
  • Santa saves the day and turns the castle of the bad guy into the new orphanage.

mad-scientist

Now, aren’t you glad you asked? There are great movies, good movies, mediocre movies and camp movies. And finally, there is Santa With Muscles. The actors, and I use that word as a theoretical term only, did not even know their lines and there was apparently no attempt at any serious editing. The story line and writing must have been composed by a toddler with a crayon on a Big Chief Tablet. There is nothing else to say. Merry Christmas.

Please Note: No one has to pay to watch this trash. If you are masochistic enough to want to, it can be watched FREE on YOUTUBE.

Santa with Muscles

hulk-crane

 

Special Ruthless Ratings -or- Things I learned from Santa With Muscles:

  • Overall Ruthless Rating: ZERO/10. If there were a lower rating, I would apply it.
  • Plot: NONE Acting: NONE Script: NONE Special Effects: NONE
  • Millionaires spend their spare time playing paintball with the police.
  • If you want to enforce your will by torturing someone, hire a Archeologist.
  • Two bottles of salad dressing, poured on the street, will cause an entire fleet of police cars to fishtail and crash.
  • The best weapon to use to fight a 6’7″, 300 pound wrestler is a styrofoam candy cane.
  • Small town police forces generally employ rocket launchers to stop traffic offenders.
  • The weapon of choice for holding an entire orphanage hostage is a t-square.
About Goat

Goat is Retired. He does come out occasionally to help Erich and to write Christmas Reviews.