About Bartholemew Cobb

Traveling salesman. I have danced with 12 governor's wives and hold the keys to 9 small towns. My friends are the highest and lowest in society, line cooks, chiefs of police, pimps and retired generals.

Falling Down: the ‘Alternate point-of-view’

It’s a rampage! Hard-workin’ man wake up and don’t have a say. Single-mom minorities destroyin’ what his daddy made. Bitches thinkin’ they can do his job, And why? Because he didn’t stop it the very first day. I’m done watching my ship sink into the sea, If no one’s gonna bail, it has to be […]

Delta-Endorsed Bonkery -or-the Southern Gothic Metric of Madness

Men behaving badly is the foundation of international drama. Since you need conflict, you need a motivation for bad behavior. I first learned to write in the smoky southern bars off the main college drag. I was haunted by cream-suited artistes sitting at the same booth, hunched over the same manuscript and nursing the same […]

Fucked-Up Films #8: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Film Title

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Synopsis

Texas-style Family Values

Director

Tobe Hooper

Cast

Marilyn Burns
Edwin Neal
Paul A. Partain
Gunnar Hansen
John Dugan
William Vail
Jim Siedow

Three movies have been based on Ed Gein, the Wisconsin wackadoodle that killed women and made tit-corsets and furniture out of their bodies. Psycho, Silence of the Lambs and the favorite of demented junior high boys: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They went out to make a B-horror and accidentally created a monolith of human terror […]

Jaws

Film Title

Jaws

Synopsis

The movie that started the final realization that the ocean is no man’s land

Director

Steven Spielberg

Cast

Robert Shaw
Roy Scheiner
Richard Dreyfuss
Murray Hamilton
Lorraine Gary

DUHHHHN-DUH DUHHHHN-DUH DUHN-DUH-DUHN-DUH-DUHN-DUH deeleee-dee! DUHN-DUH-DUHN DUH-DUHN Yes, I have it on good authority that’s how the famous danger theme of Jaws was written, by the same man who wrote the Star Wars score, John Williams…here’s a sample from his notebook entitled “Imperial March”: “BWAHM-BWAHM-BWAHM-teedee-BWAHM-teedee BWAHM (higher) BWAHM-BWAHM-BWAHM-diddliy-BWAHM-teedee-BWAHM (maybe a little ‘toodley-deedly’ here–ask George–too many BWAHMs?)” […]

The Shawshank Redemption

Film Title

The Shawshank Redemption

Synopsis

The Magical Negro falls in love with The Big Tall Guy

Director

Frank Darabont

Cast

Tim Robbins
Morgan Freeman
Bob Gunton
Clancey Brown
James Whitmore
William Satler

I despise Stephen King, his novella of Rita Hayworth, and The Shawshank Redemption. It was anun-readable blot of blueberry mustard smeared on a Maine tourist map from 1973. Why ’73? Well, that’s the last year of Maine’s state pride as it is the last year it WOULD NOT be associated with this human cowlick with […]

I Went With What the French Call: les apeshit

Excuse me, you say, Oh sagacious and inerrant Mr. Cobb–however do they market our movies overseas? One word: Badly. –So it’s just a direct translation, then? Two words: You wish. Or, as they would translate that sentiment in Malaysia: Of Terrible Consequence to Original Things Super-Duper High-Five. “They called this movie ‘Little Jew I Want […]

Brazil (1985)

Film Title

Brazil

Synopsis

One of the strangest movies ever made.

Director

Terry Gilliam

Cast

Jonathan Pryce
Kim Greist
Robert De Niro
Ian Holm
Michael Palin
Katherine Helmond
Bob Hoskins

80% of people claim to have read 1984 while only 16% have actually done so, and 78% of people who’ve seen Brazil claim to have understood its parody of 1984. While we have no data on how many are telling the truth, it’s safe to surmise that 14% made the connection. Like 1984 the world […]

A Cinephile Has Bizarre Wishes

One-He wants ALL the film merch of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure that they only released in Japan and Burma and include characters that weren’t in the movie like ‘Mecha-Francis’;,  Two-He wants the power to mix and match the lesser-known, overlooked film actors he feels haven’t been bathed in divine glory as he believes, in his […]

An Alternative Movie Theory

The greatest alternative movie theory of all time is MY OWN. You’ve seen this film I trust. If you haven’t there are major spoilers beyond: DO NOT ENTER. Now then, I want you to take a long look at that poster because the art was not formulated by accident. Cormac McCarthy, who wrote the novel, […]

The Wizard Of Ahs -or- Please Stay On That Goldbrick Road, Dorothy

Follow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Humongous Metaphors will grant the key to this classic. “Oh Toto, Why couldn’t we have been swept up in an allegory for the Spanish-American War or Swine Flu or something?” That’s right. Didn’t know you were watching a 19th century economic sermon […]