This movie has already been reviewed, didn’t you read the magnificent review by Devon?
Yes, I know, but this is something I feel compelled to do.
Well, what is the problem?
Seriously, I looked forward to this movie with glee, but that anticipation was quickly snuffed out in the first 5 minutes of the film. I almost cheered out loud when I saw the Rock Gollums, but things quickly went South, for both believer and scoffer alike.
You knew the Fundies and Evangelicals hated it, so what were you expecting?
Yes, I knew that Aronofsky had taken substantial liberties with the already laughable, ridiculous account that was in Genesis. I read the Biblical verses before I left just to make sure that I would not be disappointed.
So why didn’t you enjoy it?
There was no salvation or solace in this miserable movie. Let’s see, Mad Psychopathic Max (Noah) teams up with Rock Transformers to do the will of an even more demented God concept and orchestrate the end of the world. Hey, humankind deserves it for eating the apple and then raping the earth. This was such a wooden, ham-fisted mess that I was continuously pinched by my lady friend for mocking the movie, out loud all throughout. Aronofsky, you are dead to me for this atrocity, an 138 minute long gulag, with no redemption.
What about the performance of Russell Crowe?
Fuck him, he even sang after promising not to ever do this again after his debacle in Les Miserables. He also wimped out, I was almost cheering out loud for him to dispatch the newborn twins as he promised, but he didn’t, DAMMIT! Noah was just a brooding, depressed and confused wreck of a man, PERFECT choice by God to spread his DNA to repopulate the earth. No wonder we are so fucked up.
I heard that Ray Winstone was awesome as Tubal Cain.
Teabag Cain was a gruff and fearsomely ruthless old salt who somehow managed to hack into the secure ark like a cheap computer virus. He then ate a snake that was sleeping pleasantly in a drug-induced reverie. Tubal Cain’s character was about the only thing worth watching during the entire 2+ hours of the movie.
Were you not impressed by the power, wrath and awe of GOD?
Yes, I mean, God had really had his fill at this point in time. Not like the later God who was content with merely having his followers cutting off the ends of perfectly good penises in a barbaric religious ritual; or his chosen people, the Jews who gruesomely condoned the Roman crucifixion of his own son. This time he is REALLY mad. He was planning on killing all of mankind, save Noah and his Ark family. Every human being, man, woman, child, and unborn fetus would die in a watery grave. Every animal that crawled the earth or flew the sky would also die horribly, clawing upward against the rising waters, desperately gasping for their last breath before being dashed upon the rocks and drowned by the relentlessly rising waters. His reason? The world had become too violent. Such is the flow chart of the Old Testament God.
What about Logan Lerman as Ham? He was magnificent in 3:10 to Yuma.
Ham was clearly the most frustrated and unhappy character in this stinker of a movie; he was suffering from a chronic case of adolescent blue balls, with no apparent relief in sight. Noah did not care, dragging him away from a promising lass who had been trapped in an animal trap. Ham was sadly forced to join the rest of the sad crew and animals on the ark. There is not even a Penthouse magazine for this poor guy, much less any chance of getting laid. Ham is so frustrated that TubalCain almost talks him into killing his own father. At the end of the movie Ham is turned into a Negro and sent off into the land of Nod to have sex with a dead, water-logged and bloated carcass. Logan is a fine young actor, but he had absolutely nothing to work with in this atrocity of a movie.
So, what is next?
The Grand Budapest Hotel, because I’m a hipster antiquarian who wants to watch furniture porn.