Author: Dave Franklin
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Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part 4
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Read more: Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part 4Eyes Wide Shut (1999) The story: Cruise and Kidman mope through Kubrick’s flaccid finale. Does it make me wanna incorporate anything into my sex life? I guess you’re asking if I fancy an orgy, right? Well, I wouldn’t mind dipping a toe (fnar! fnar!) There is something appealing about turning up at an isolated country…
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Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part 3
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Read more: Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part 3Secretary (2002) The story: A dominant, uptight lawyer (James Spader) employs a self-harming, subservient secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal). Unconventional true love blooms. Does it make me wanna incorporate anything into my sex life? Lots of sexual relationships originate at work. It’s probably the number one place where people hook up. Most working days (those mundane, hateful…
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Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part 2
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Read more: Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part 2Last Tango in Paris (1972) The story: In a cause celebre the Godfather tries a little anonymous humping. Bloody hell, now he’s the Prodfarther. Does it make me wanna incorporate anything into my sex life? “You don’t have a name and I don’t have a name, either,” Brando tells Maria Schnieder early on. “No names…
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Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part One
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Read more: Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part OneBack in my mid-twenties I was in bed with one of those lovely females making sweet love and thinking that life really wasn’t too bad when she clamped her teeth on my ear and half-snarled: “Stick it up me arse!” Now I know some men appear obsessed with snugly traversing a lady’s poo pipe, but…
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Spinning Plates: Part 4
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Read more: Spinning Plates: Part 4Prince in Purple Rain (1984) I like some Prince songs such as Thieves in the Temple, Sign o’ the Times and a fair chunk of the mega-selling Purple Rain stuff. He had something, all right, but too often I find his music tinny and unconvincing. I also got embarrassed by the guy’s self-indulgent sulking, like…
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Spinning Plates: Part 3
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Read more: Spinning Plates: Part 3Olivia Newton-John in Grease (1978) “Got any porno?” Debbie Harry asks in Videodrome. “Gets me in the mood.” Good line, but I doubt Newton-John ever said anything like it during her movie career. She might’ve been known as Olivia Neutron-Bomb after the release of the image-altering, multi-million selling Physical, but in reality, has any late…
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Spinning Plates: Part 2
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Read more: Spinning Plates: Part 2Jagger in Performance (1970) & Ned Kelly (1970) Art and commerce have a weird relationship. On the face of it, it makes perfect sense to slap a pop star into a feature film, sit back and watch his or her fans gobble up the tickets. Who needs marketing when you’ve got a built-in audience? Such…
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Spinning Plates: Part One
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Read more: Spinning Plates: Part OneFrom Bing Crosby’s silky crooning in The Road to Singapore to Mark Wahlberg’s seven-inch, floppy rubber cock in Boogie Nights, it’s clear that the musical stars of the day have always fancied their big screen chances. Perhaps after topping the charts it’s the most natural of moves. Then again, maybe such success merely prompts their…
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Good God, What Were You Thinking, Girl?
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Read more: Good God, What Were You Thinking, Girl?There’s an extraordinary scene at the end of the pretty good 1981 slasher Eyes of a Stranger in which Jennifer Jason Leigh’s blind deaf-mute character has just regained her sight after being sexually assaulted and beaten in her home by a serial killer. The teenager has managed to turn the tables and shoot the vicious…
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30 Odd Years Of Walken: Part 3
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Read more: 30 Odd Years Of Walken: Part 3The least conspicuous turd in Batman Returns (1992) I think I’m on record disliking superhero movies. No, hating them. In Batman Returns I’m supposed to buy into a deformed dwarf crime boss having been raised by penguins in a sewer. Oh, and the dowdy, timid secretary Michelle Pfeiffer is pushed out of a high window…