Comfortable and Furious

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

I am not even going to make a pretense of trying to ease this review into some sort of soft landing; one that you have to read before I tell you how I really feel. This latest attempt at a Godzilla movie was horrible, embarrassing and worthy of much cringing. It was worse than anything you might imagine Hollywood regurgitating on the screen. It was worse than the prospect of a second term for Donald Trump. It was worse than stage 4 ass-cancer on a Kim Kardashian sized butt. It was worse than Adam Sandler making another installment of Going Overboard. Worse than anything. You get the picture.

Can’t you just feel their angst and pain?

In the theater and during this shit-fest, people were talking to each other, talking and texting on their phones, giggling and rolling their eyes. They got up out of their seats, trying to do ANYTHING to avoid the lethargic and miserable film on the big screen in front of them. No one cared and no one dared to say a word about this orchestrated disrespect and disdain for this wretched movie.

After 50 minutes, I was praying to every god I don’t believe in for every human being in this movie to die, and to die horribly. The Stupid Political Content that erupted from Dr. Emma Russell (Vera Farmiga), explaining why she did what she did, was one of the most disgusting tropes I have ever witnessed in a movie. Bad humans! Good monsters, they are only here to save the Earth!

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The writing in this movie was amateurish, the acting was childish, the CGI was the worst I have ever seen, and the jokes were not remotely funny. “Oh—–My—–God (wait for it…wait for it…wait for it!)—-ZILLA!” They did this more than once! This miscarriage was not about the monsters, but was about the melodrama created by humans, drama that no one could possibly care about. While these 9,000 ft. monsters were destroying the Earth and trampling thousands of Mexicans who were merely running towards Trump’s wall, Madison goes off to her room to sulk because her parents cannot get along. No one cared about any character in this movie, monster or human, the audience was just hoping for it somehow to end.

Lastly, this movie was supposed to be a redemption of the 2014 failure that everyone hated. They hated it because there was not enough monster, not enough monster fighting, and too little action. It was supposed to address that shortfall, but what in the Hell happened? The fights that did occur were brief and unremarkable. The CGI and lighting was so bad that the supposed stars of the show were barely recognizable. This horrid excuse for a film did not get one single thing right. Actors like David Strathairn should sue the makers of the movie for career assassination.

I’ll tell you what. I’m not doing this again, not even for Ruthless. I’ll pay some 13 year-old pimple factory the price of admission, milk-duds and Coke + $100 to watch and review movies like this. Never again, and I mean it this time.

Fun Fact: Michael Dougherty, the person responsible for this mess, actually made the decent Christmas Horror Movie Krampus.

ZERO/10.0  With the Goatesians Rating of not only Avoid, but picket the theaters showing this atrocity with torches and pitchforks.



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