Everyone has that relative who loves nothing more than to set up a slide show for two hours of show-and-tell about their recent trip to Baton Rouge. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 was a lot like that slide show…
[TV suddenly shuts off the football game mid-third-quarter]
Aunt Nia: [Sets down remote control] Ok everyone. It’s time for my slide show. You’ll really get a kick out this.
Young child: But we were watching the game! Can’t this wait?
[Aunt Nia scowls and the child shrinks back into the couch]
Aunt Nia: Here we are in my mom Maria’s (Lainie Kazan) living room, staring at an urn containing my dad Gus’ ashes. It’s been a little while since Gus passed and we decided to go through a bunch of things. There’s aunt Theia (Andrew Martin), Aunt Frieda (Maria Vacratsis), and cousin Nick (Louis Mandylor).
Nia: Here we are looking at old pictures of dad and his friends when they were young. And here we are looking through dad’s journal. Dad’s dying wish was that he wanted those friends to have his journal, so we decided to go to his boyhood village, find his friends, and give them the journal.
Young child: What is in the journal?
Nia: That’s nobody else’s business.
Young child: But…
Nia: Here is Victory (Melina Kotselou), the mayor of dad’s old town. She picked us up at the airport. Isn’t the rickety old truck funny? [Chuckles to herself]
Nia: Victory also organized a big reunion and a place for us to stay in the town. She was really nice, but super weird and eccentric. That word is Greek. [Chuckles to herself]
Nia: Here’s a picture of the Parthenon while we drove by it. And here are a couple more Greek landmarks we didn’t stop at.
Young child: Why didn’t you stop and look at any of those things?
Young child: But…
Nia: Here we are at a beach we stopped at on the way to town. We ran in with all our clothes on. Even our shoes. Isn’t that hilarious?
Nia: After we finally got to town, Victory abandoned us to take a nap or something, so we sat for a few hours by a tree in the plaza. Here is a picture of us in the plaza. Victory didn’t show us where our lodgings were, so we figured we should wait for her to come back. It sounds boring, but it sure was a nice little plaza. That word is Greek. [Chuckles to herself]
Nia: Victory finally came back after night fell. She took us to an old, rickety, abandoned house where we would be staying. Here is the inside of the house. It’s just one big room and we all slept in various places in the room. Just like dad did (probably).
Nia: Here we are looking through dad’s journal. There are a lot of interesting stories in there.
Young child: Can you tell us one of the stories?
Nia: I told you to mind your own business.
Young child: But…
Nia: Here is a picture of me and my husband Ian (John Corbett) not meddling in our daughter Paris’ (Elena Kampouris) personal life. Her other aunts are the ones meddling. They invited Aristotle (Elias Kacavas) along on the trip as a “guide” with the hope that Paris and Aristotle would fall in love.
Nia: Here are Paris and Aristotle sneaking out to go to a rave. I remember when I was a kid, thinking my parents didn’t know when I snuck out of the house. Kids are funny. [Chuckles to herself]
Nia: And this is Peter (Alexis Georgoulis). When I first saw him, I instantly forgot I was married. Then, I found out he was my half-brother. Even then…yum. Haha. Just kidding. If you only think about incest, but don’t act on it, it’s a joke that is funny no matter how many times you tell it.
Nia: [Staring off into the distance]
Young child: [Whispering] Dad, is she okay?
Dad: Yes. And no.
Nia: [Eyes closed; still silent]
Young child: [Whispering] Does this mean she’s done?
Dad: Hang on… [Moving the slide projector forward several slides, making as little noise as possible]
Dad: [Gently nudges Nia] Nia…
Nia: [Startling] Where was I?
Dad: You were just getting to the last day of the trip.
Nia: Oh yes. So, Victory had not found dad’s old friends. Nor had she found more than a couple local people to attend the reunion. So, I called Nikki (Gia Carides) and Angelo (Joey Fatone) to get their help. Here they are in Greece partying after having decided to hop on a flight to track down dad’s friends. And here they are again. And again. And again.
Nia: Meanwhile back in town, we and Victory held the reunion and a wedding. Here are some pictures.
Young child: Did Paris and Aristotle get married?
Nia: Don’t be silly. Their relationship wasn’t believable at all. No, the people that got married were my cousin and a Syrian refugee. That word is Greek. [Chuckles to herself]
Young child: Why do you keep saying that?
Nia: Because it was kind of funny twenty years ago and is still funny. [Stares off into the distance again]
Young child: [Whispering] Dad, this is soooooo boring.
Rating: Ask Nia for all of your money back and to never show the slideshow again.