Sharknado

 

Sharknado II here now!

 

Yes, they are doing it again.  Just when you think the Summer Season cannot get any worse, we will have the second installment of Sharknado, only this time the setting moves to New York City! Booyah!

The other day I watched two really awful movies, but the difference in the two was stunning.  The two movies (both from Asylum) were Sharknado and 100 Degrees Below Zero.  I may or may not do a full review of the latter (no way, this one was punishing enough), as it was not worthy of anything other than as a template for how not to make a bad movie worthy of all the scorn you can muster.  Another reason for this review is that a sequel to Sharknado is in the works to be released this July!  After what I have seen with the original, I can hardly wait. Even though this is a good “Bad” movie, I don’t know if I will even take the time to proofread or check my tenses on this one, and to hell with the metabox.

Sharknado was not your typical disaster movie, B type.  Oh, the plot, with gaping holes and total disregard for any type of continuity was still there for sure.  You also had the same type of plot, i.e. disaster strikes and  _____________ (son, daughter, ex-wife, etc.) must be rescued, so let the journey, violence and adventure begin! Also, I’m not saying that the movie was not bad, it was, it was dreadful, but it was also great fun to watch, that was the difference. Like Snakes on a Plane, the title alone was worth a full point upgrade,as two of man’s greatest fears were brought together in an outrageous tandem of glorious blood and death.

 

The Cast included Ian Ziering as Fin who is a bar owner, surfer, dedicated family man, good Samaritan and an expert at inside-out caesarean procedures for sharks.  More on that later.  He and his merry band of rescuers operated in a virtual vacuum with the rest of the city barely noticing and carrying on under sunny skies and halcyon conditions.  Tara Reid as April was surly, detached and simply awful.  She clearly wanted to be somewhere else and it was a travesty that she was not taken out by one of our airborne sharks early.  Her bored brooding presence throughout the movie was particularly annoying. She had her arms folded in casual indifference during the entire shark attack, I kid you not.

The Flying Sharks!  These things reminded me of the aquatic counterpart of the pig cannon in District 9.  They were everywhere, hundreds if not thousands of them, flying, swirling, being shot with high velocity out of sewer drains and water drainage pipes, they were epic. We see them first in the opening scene which was totally unnecessary.  Now that I mention it, that could be said for the entire movie, but I plod onward.

Novelty Deaths:  All of them were, but there were three that were particularly satisfying These were those individuals in the film that you knew the instant you saw or heard them they were on tap for a quick and brutal death.

  • George, playing your typical Norm style barroom fixture gave it his all, wielding his precious bar stool like a military grade weapon, before he met a glorious death at the mouth of one of the hundreds of flying sharks. “Ave, Imperator, morituri te salutant”.

  • Goodnight, Sweet Jerk. You knew that April’s obnoxious boyfriend was in for a quick death the moment he opened his condescending yap, and the shark attack in the living room of the house was just a knee-slapper. Good riddance after just minutes of screen time. There were so many things wrong with the living room fight scene that I lost count, but I guess the most impressive was that the shark, with a bite strength of over 4000# p.s.i. was held at bay with a cheap piece of particle-board furniture.

  • The Creepy Driver of the inevitable school bus full of kiddies that just begged to be rescued was another predictable and satisfying death. He just would not shut up, so his presence was no longer needed or wanted in the film and he was eventually impaled by a giant flying piece of sheet metal.

 

Potential Squandered: The Retirement Home!  It was great that they included a Retirement Home, but I was bitterly disappointed that there were zero geezer deaths in this movie.  Opportunity lost, but the pool scene where the old coot actually pulled his ancient wife into harms way was inspired.  This scene could have been great, but it was forced, just like the ferris wheel that came off it’s foundation and had to roll over terrified L.A. beachgoers to ultimately crash into an office building.  Lame.

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The Ultimate Battle: Of course there was one and of course it ramped up the level of absurdity another notch. After finding the son Matt (filling in another plot blank above!) the proclamation and decision is made to take a stand and fight!  Yay!  They broke into what seemed like The God of Hardware’s Garden of Eden Creation Center and assembled a most laughable and improbable arsenal to take out the sharks!  There was only one helicopter available as the rest of the aircraft were blown away like confetti in gale.  How this one remained perfectly intact, who fucking cares! Armed with tiny propane tanks, hedge clippers, leaf blowers, crowbars, and just mean, pouting looks from Tara Reid the tornadoes were dissipated and the sharks eviscerated.  Zin even managed to extract himself and a supposedly dead Nova, with a chain saw, while inside of a previously airborne shark.  Praise Jesus and pass the fresh sushi.

How bad was it?  It was terrible, but in a very good way. The ultimate measure of a movie is its ability to hold you and entertain you, and this one did just that in spite of its flaws.  There was no pretense here and to its credit, this crapfest managed to hold my attention with no vulgar language, no nudity and no Midgets.

 

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Stupid Political Content-Global Warming and Big Government conspiracy, what else?

What did you learn?  Some disaster movies phone in their awfulness, this one did not.  In the aforementioned 100 Degrees Below Zero everyone did just that, they went through the motions in slower than slow motion. Sharknado is a beer, popcorn and friends movie, and by friends I mean people who you love to hate.

One-liners and real groaners:

  • [Living room flooded with bloody water] “It must be that time of the month.” -Baz
  • “We’re going to need a bigger chopper” -Nova
  • “Why is there a Retirement Home next to the airport?” -Nova  “Because old people can’t hear” -Claudia
  • “They took my grandfather.  That’s why I really hate sharks” -Nova
  • “Now I really hate sharks too” -Matt (simply brilliant)

Special Ruthless Ratings

  • Why did you watch this?  I have no answer
  • Was the soundtrack good, at least?  Knife
  • How about the DVD Extras? Netflix, this was a TV Special
  • Was Tara Reid really that bad?  Yes, unwatchable
  • Anything else?  No

 

About Goat

Goat is Retired. He does come out occasionally to help Erich and to write Christmas Reviews.