Grovel Before God, You Maggots.

Grovel Before God, You Maggots! In the beginning back in 1988 a six-foot-four deity who shunned goofing around arrived in moviedom. It wasn’t long before he began to generate wall to wall adoration by being outstanding at whatever job he did, never showing fear despite the ever-present threat of death, and snapping the limbs of […]

Miami Connection

Film Title

Miami Connection

Synopsis

A martial arts rock band goes Ninja against a motocycle gang

Director

Woo-sang Park

Cast

Y.K. Kim
Vincent Hirsch
Joseph Diamond
Maurice Smith
Kathy Collier
William Ergle

Tagline: Survival the ultimate test… (This is the only one I could find, and it means fuck all in the context of the movie) Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Karate kids KO cocaine cowboys. Homoeroticism: The boys of Dragon Sound, the Taekwondo team / 80s pop band that serves as […]

Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

Film Title

Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome

Synopsis

Mad Max, after being gulaged for failure to comply, teams with a bunch of feral kids to overthrow the Queen of Thunderdome

Director

George Miller/ George Ogilvie

Cast

Mel Gibson
Tina Turner
Bruce Spence
Paul Larsson
Angelo Rossitto
Robert Grubb

Tagline:  Two men enter, one man leaves, unless there are special needs. Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Max is banished for refusing to kill a grinning retard. Homoeroticism: Like in The Road Warrior, many men are dressed like they are going to a gay bondage convention, but the homoeroticism is […]

The Dead Pool (1988)

Film Title

The Dead Pool

Synopsis

Dirty Harry just learned a new game

Director

Buddy Van Horn

Cast

Clint Eastwood
Liam Neeson
Patricia Clarksib
Evan C. Kim
Jim Carrey
David Hunt
Michael Currie

Tagline:  Dirty Harry Just Learned A New Game  Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:  Movies don’t kill people, Dirty Harry does.  Homoeroticism:  Early on, we see a young Jim Carrey (as rock star Johnny Squares) prancing around in a leather outfit to the tune of “Welcome to the Jungle,” but that’s […]

Sudden Impact (1983)

Film Title

Sudden Impact

Synopsis

Two killers are at large. One of them is Dirty Harry.

Director

Clint Eastwood

Cast

Clint Eastwood
Sondra Locke
Pat Hingle
Bradford Dillman
Paul Drake
Jack Thibeau
Albert Popwell

Tagline:  Two killers are at large. One of them is Dirty Harry.  Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:  Revenge is best served with a comically farting dog.  Homoeroticism:  All in all, this is probably the most disappointingly hetero movie in the whole series, as Harry gets closer to a woman than […]

Magnum Force (1973)

Film Title

Magnum Force

Synopsis

Dirty Harry is now on the trail of rouge vigilante cops

Director

Ted Post

Cast

Clint Eastwood
Hal Holbrook
Mitchell Ryan
David Soul
Tim Matheson
Robert Urich
Kip Niven

Tagline:  This time the bullets are hitting pretty close to home!  Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:  Harry could just kill his Stupid Chief this time.  Homoeroticism:  Once again limited almost exclusively to the fetishization of guns, beginning with the opening credits sequence, which consists of a very long shot of […]

Savage Streets (1984)

Film Title

Savage Streets

Synopsis

Rape, revenge and bad 80s hairdos at high school

Director

Danny Steinmann

Cast

Linda Blair
Linnea Quigley
John Vernon
Robert Dryer

After starring in The Exorcist at the tender age of fourteen, the world was Linda Blair’s pea green vomit-covered oyster. She followed up that groundbreaking horror classic with the stodgily directed TV movie Born Innocent and the much-mocked Airport 1975, whose main contribution to cinema was helping birth the glorious Airplane! In spite of their […]

Dirty Harry (1971)

Film Title

Dirty Harry

Synopsis

Dirty Harry hunts down a psychopath punk who is terrorizing San Francisco

Director

Don Siegel

Cast

Clint Eastwood
Andrew Robinson
Harry Gardino
John Vernon
Reni Santoni
Ruth Kobart
John Mitchum

Tagline:  Dirty Harry and the homicidal maniac. Harry’s the one with the badge.  Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:  Only bullets can repair a broken system.  Homoeroticism:  Limited almost exclusively to the fetishization of guns, which of course represent dicks in the 80s Action canon, of which this is arguably the […]

Eight Wince-Inducing Moments in Movies*

Sew Tough! I was about fourteen when I first caught First Blood on home video, the perfect age to vicariously revel in such macho histrionics. Immediately afterwards, I ran outside, knocked the first motorcyclist I saw to the ground, and headed off for the woods at breakneck speed with an imaginary entire police force hot […]

Invasion U.S.A

Film Title

Invasion U.S.A.

Synopsis

Chuck Norris is a one-man army who can save the country from a spy invasion

Director

Joseph Zito

Cast

Chuck Norris
Richard Lynch
Melissa Prophet
Alexander Zale
Eddie Jones
Billy Drago

Matt Hunter is tired. Once a proud Company Man, and one of the few on the payroll with full beard and bare chest, he’s more a Lion in Winter circa 1985, with nothing left to prove and no arms left to break. Leaving behind a world on the brink, he’s retired to Florida … the […]