Men in Black: International

Film Title

Men in Black: International

Synopsis

A couple of Asgardians slumming it.

Director

F. Gary Gray

Cast

Chris Hemsworth
Tessa Thompson
Liam Neeson
Emma Thompson
Kumail Nanjiani
Rafe Spall
Rebecca Ferguson
Kayvan Novak
Laurent Bourgeois
Larry Bourgeois

M is for mole. For my wife, time travel in a movie kills that movie for her. I get it – time travel solves any problem, undoes any death or event, and, of course, comes with that pesky paradox (if you change the past, you erase the reason for going back to the past to […]

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Film Title

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Synopsis

Just when you thought Godzilla had reached a new low, it tunnels

Director

Michael Dougherty

Cast

Kyle Chandler
Vera Farmiga
Millie Bobbie Brown
Bradley Whitford
Sally Hawkins
Ken Watanabe
Charles Dance
David Strathairn

I am not even going to make a pretense of trying to ease this review into some sort of soft landing; one that you have to read before I tell you how I really feel. This latest attempt at a Godzilla movie was horrible, embarrassing and worthy of much cringing. It was worse than anything […]

Avengers: Endgame

Film Title

Avengers: Endgame

Synopsis

Marvel comes to a head.

Director

Anthony and Joe Russo

Cast

Everyone from the previous 21 movies

At long last. We can finally all breathe. After twenty-two movies, we can finally turn our attention to other films and budding franchises that have been overshadowed by the Marvel behemoth. If you look over there, the DC Extended Universe is still budding and…well…ok – it sucks pretty hard. Joker looks promising based on the […]

Dwayne Johnson Is A Box Office Terrorist

Some dopey fuck watched Die Hard and came to the conclusion that the core ingredients of its success are these three things: a tall building, foot injuries and duct tape. Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has one leg. His family is trapped in a burning skyscraper. He uses duct tape to rescue his family on three […]

Aladdin (2019)

Film Title

Aladdin (2019)

Synopsis

Aladdin.

Director

Guy Ritchie

Cast

Will Smith
Mena Massoud
Naomi Scott
Marwan Kenzari
Navid Negahban
Alan Tudyk
Nasim Pedrad

A problem with your REMAKE!! As Disney continues to chew through live-action remakes of animated classics with Aladdin as the latest, all I can think is when will it end? The recently released Dumbo came and went with little notice, got panned by more critics than not and, depending on the marketing budget, will be […]

Brightburn (2019)

Film Title

Brightburn (2019)

Synopsis

SuperBoy turns bad and people die

Director

David Yarovesky

Cast

Elizabeth Banks
Jackson A. Dunn
Jennifer Holland
David Denman
Matt Jones
Gregory Alan Williams
Emmie Hunter
Meredith Hagner

I have been reading with utter disbelief some of the glowing reviews by IMDB users for the movie Brightburn. This sci-fi, Superman, horror, Omen tear-off is one of the lamest, most pointless attempts at a horror (or whatever it thought it was) film that I have ever watched. The review will most likely be mercifully […]

Cube (1997)

Film Title

Cube (1997)

Synopsis

Several humans are trapped in a deadly metallic cube maze. They must use all their resources to survive and escape. Will they?

Director

Vincenzo Natali

Cast

Nicole de Boer
Nicky Guadagni
David Hewlett
Andrew Miller
Julian Richings
Wayne Robson
Maurice Dean Went

Cube is a movie that you can characterize as unique with complete confidence. I watched it on a whim, after numbing my brain with the non-stop and very one-sided killing in John Wick 3. I needed a movie to un-lock my brain from all that violence, so I chose Cube. Bad choice, as I traded […]

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

Film Title

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

Synopsis

Up, up, down, down, B, A, B, A, Select, Start.

Director

Chad Stahelski

Cast

Keanu Reeves
Ian McShane
Halle Berry
Laurence Fishburne
Lance Reddick
Asia Kate Dillon
Mark Dacascos

Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an inexplicably high 85% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Brimming with confidence, Summit Entertainment […]

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Film Title

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Synopsis

Where are you dad?

Director

Rob Letterman

Cast

Ryan Reynolds
Justice Smith
Bill Nighy
Kathryn Newton
Ken Watanabe

Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints about me being stupid. Anyway, players make decks of creatures […]

UglyDolls

Film Title

UglyDolls

Synopsis

Flawed dolls just want to be loved.

Director

Kelly Asbury

Cast

Kelly Clarkson
Pitbull
Nick Jonas
Blake Shelton
Wanda Sykes
Gabriel Iglesias
Emma Roberts
Leehom Wang

Fugley. What movie did we see last night?Uglydolls. Why was it called UglyDolls?Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler?Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers?BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys talk like in the movie?Uh, no, but they can make friends. They’re not animatronics or anything, […]