The Wizard Of Ahs -or- Please Stay On That Goldbrick Road, Dorothy

Follow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Humongous Metaphors will grant the key to this classic. “Oh Toto, Why couldn’t we have been swept up in an allegory for the Spanish-American War or Swine Flu or something?” That’s right. Didn’t know you were watching a 19th century economic sermon […]

The Natives Are Getting Restless

Man has long excelled at picking on animals and fucking up the environment, a dismal trait I’m fine with as long as it generates good eco-horror movies. This sub-genre is staggeringly rich and diverse, tackling everything from sentient frogs and mutant sea creatures to walking plants and extraterrestrial viruses that powderize your blood. It has […]

Movie Geeks Manifesto

“My love of cinema supersedes all moral considerations.” –Alfred Hitchcock  There are many different opinions on this, all of which would undoubtedly be geeky to discuss at length, but in my opinion, a geek is someone deeply obsessed with a particular field of knowledge.  As opposed to, say, a nerd, who excels at all things […]

Annoying Fuckers

Most people are annoying. It doesn’t matter whether they’re a droning colleague, that snarky online twat who just won’t see sense, some random queue jumper, a younger sibling, the halitosis-afflicted taxi driver taking the long way round, a right wing foreign president, a neighbor loudly playing music or that hotty in the supermarket who looks […]

Sharknado: A Survivor’s Tale

Youse guys seen these fuckin Sharknado movies?  [Editor’s Note: Yes, and I reviewed two of them. Pay attention] It’s kinda important that you have…  Well, take it from me, a guy who’s survived two sharknadoes…[Editor’s Note: I’ve watched 3, plus Piranha Sharks, so there!] I don’t know if that’s spelled with an “e” or not. […]

Confessions Of A Condiment King -or- Why Goat Revoked Ezra’s Key To The Break Room At Ruthless Towers

Greetings, citizens of Gotham! It is I, Buddy Standler, the Condiment King! You mayo may not have heard my fearsome moniker before…. Oh, come now, you mustard of me at least once or twice. Well, please endeavor to ketchup and follow along, for mine is a tale to relish!  I may not be one of […]

Bitches

My all-time favorite bitch remains She’s Ayesha, a spectacularly malevolent girly who is happy to murder lovers, execute slaves en masse and ponce around in public wearing an over-feathered ceremonial outfit that makes her look like a mad chicken queen. Fucking ace, and I once had a girlfriend just like her. Still, much as I […]

Hurt, He’s Gone

“Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!” a fellow diner yells as a choking, panic-stricken John Hurt collapses onto the table in the 1987 sci-fi spoof, Spaceballs. Moments later an alien bursts through his midriff. “Oh, no…” Hurt cries while looking down his body at its malevolent, twitching head. “Not again!” His cameo is about the best […]

Pliers, Pussies & the Enduring Class of John Vernon

In the flat blaxploitation parody I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, baddie John Vernon prickles at the insinuation that playing an exploitation villain is beneath him. “Lots of famous people have done exploitation movies,” he tells the hero before listing the likes of Shelley Winters and Angie Dickinson. OK, mate, fair point, but I doubt you […]

Starring debuts #7: Richard E. Grant in Withnail and I (1987)

Big-budget action maestro Michael Bay could probably learn a thing or two from Withnail. Namely, that if you get the characterization and dialogue right, you don’t need any explosions or mayhem to make a great movie. After all, what does the titular character accomplish during the 107 minutes of this cult classic? He tries to […]