How to Create a Film Fan in Five Easy Flicks

My cousin doesn’t understand my work, movies bore him, he says, but I don’t blame him, since in his mid-twenties and according to him has never seen a black and white movie all the way through his cinema appreciation is in the dumps. Double that the only movies he’s actually seen have been post 2000s, […]

The Insult of Cocaine Bear is Greater Than its Mere Crapitude

I.. Am. Dismayed. Dismayed and adrift. Dismayed, adrift, unseen and ignored. What brought me to this lowly state? Why, I’ll tell you. ON NO LESS THAN NINE OCCASIONS has Hollywood passed on my Kiplingesque treatment of nature by making Cocaine Bear…an insult I have not seen and will not see, but the pain, the sting, […]

The Last Hurrah #4: Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein (1974)

“My grandfather’s work was doo-doo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life!” Mel Brooks’ 2021 autobiography All About Me! is an irritating, surprisingly poor read. It’s lame, politically correct, bland and devoid of interesting anecdotes. I don’t think there’s one word of criticism aimed at […]

5 Tips for Starting an Acting Career Later in Life

It’s always possible to follow your dreams and pursue a career in acting. Famous actors such as Samuel L. Jackson and Christoph Waltz, both started their successful careers after the age 40. Many successful actors started their careers later in life, proving that age is just a number when pursuing your passion. Whether you have […]

Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part 4

Eyes Wide Shut (1999) The story: Cruise and Kidman mope through Kubrick’s flaccid finale. Does it make me wanna incorporate anything into my sex life? I guess you’re asking if I fancy an orgy, right? Well, I wouldn’t mind dipping a toe (fnar! fnar!) There is something appealing about turning up at an isolated country […]

Spread Your Legs For Daddy: Part 3

Secretary (2002) The story: A dominant, uptight lawyer (James Spader) employs a self-harming, subservient secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal). Unconventional true love blooms. Does it make me wanna incorporate anything into my sex life? Lots of sexual relationships originate at work. It’s probably the number one place where people hook up. Most working days (those mundane, hateful […]

My Addiction Conniption

So… I have a lot of excess baggage, and a lot of past pain I need to shed. For nine years, I was a really bad drug addict/junkie, or as I preferred to be called a narcotics enthusiast. I used to refer to myself as a garbage pail. See, that was a term I used […]

An Angry Rant About Something

“The modern audience” They did it again, they ruined something I loved, and the poor executives had no choice but to do it, such is their power, such is their reach. [scratchy audio] Mr. Cobb: Is that them…them, coming out of Applebee’s, it looks like them[inaudible] What do you mean “how are they supposed to […]

Road Trains: A Meaningless Rant About Truckles

The Instant Death & Disaster Show! Just imagine, if you will, the great Australian outback: mile after endless mile of absolutely nothing but dry red sands, and the occasional kangaroo. It’s hot. And empty. And vast. Through it cuts one, immeasurable ribbon of tarmac, leading from point A to nowhere, forever and ever. On it, […]

Violent Thoughts About A Film-maker

Violent thoughts about a filmmaker are rare, and should be, unless that filmmaker is Rian Johnson. Why? What thoughts should you have if the dilettante manor-borne son of the elite without a tenth of the talent required to actually claim a chair amongst that elite were to take power and, say, set torch to everything […]