Comfortable and Furious

The ABC’s of Redneck Culture

A-Frame-Since the Redneck either doesn’t have a garage, or it is filled to the brim with hunting gear, duck decoys and other essentials, this contraption for auto and pickup truck maintenance just might be in his front yard in all its grimy glory. Better still it could be in the back as pictured below. Vehicles of Rednecks are never discarded, they can always be fixed, but seldom are, leaving a landscape that looks like the highway from Kuwait to Iraq at the end of Desert Storm.

Bestiality-Now I have absolutely no evidence of this, but the first sexual experience for a strapping, red-blooded Redneck Southern Boy may differ from experiences elsewhere in the USA. Chances are it will not be Floy-Mae the cute bubble-gumming cheerleader, but it could be Muffin, his 4-H calf instead. Sadly, bestiality is still legal in 4 Southern States. (Edit: We now have evidence thanks to the testimony of Thad Cochran of Mississippi.)

Confederacy-After most wars, the vanquished get it, but not so in The South. What should be banners of shame and defeat are currently flown and worn with pride. Instead of a White Flag, the Stars and Bars are emblematic of this failed and decaying culture. Every year grown men stumble around drunkenly, wearing newly-sprouted beards and Confederate Uniforms, so they can honor the Confederacy with what they call Civil War Reenactments.

For some reason these people want to reenact and relive battles that they lost. Just as unbelievable, there are organizations, such as The Sons of Confederate Veterans , “to honor soldiers who fought for the Confederacy and [and I quote] “personified the best qualities of America”. Really? Which qualities are those, living in ignorance and squalor, or just enslaving other human beings?

Dad GUM!-A Southern euphemism and a non-blasphemous version of “god-damn!”, this two syllable utterance easily flows off of the Redneck tongue. An expression of mild to moderately severe annoyance, the term Dad Gum! is usually followed by: Obama, N****rs, LibRuls, Faggots, Junior (NASCAR) ran into the wall!, dog shit on the porch again, or some other irritating intrusion into a Rednecks reality or perception.

Egg Bowl SEC Football is serious business among Rednecks, and not much is more serious than the annual rivalry game between Ole Miss and Mississippi State, dubbed for some reason the Egg Bowl [well let’s check Wiki]. In the early days, the fans used to pour on the field and beat each other senseless after the game. To prevent such future events, an egg-shaped trophy was created and is awarded to the winner of the game each year. How this prevents drunken Redneck rioting, I have no idea. Only in Mississippi.

Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd– The National Anthem of The South. In the Redneck mind, the greatest classical work ever.

GunsThe bigger the better. The only Civics that the Redneck has even superficial knowledge of is The 2nd Amendment and it is as important as Chuck Norris or Jesus. Heavily armed and deeply paranoid, The Redneck is more likely to shoot himself, a member of his family or one of his many hounds than an intruder, but this Patriot remains ever convinced that President Obama is determined to collect the guns, the very symbol of male endowment. America is the most violent gun culture in the world and these yokels embrace this insanity.

HousingMore often than not, the manufactured type or like Cousins Eddie’s Tenement on Wheels, the Redneck residence leaves something to be desired. What they lack in substance the Redneck Home Sweet Home can make up for it in creativity. These housing Parks are just sitting ducks for inclement weather (See: Tornadoes), but these god-fearing people trust in Jesus to save them and can regularly be seen on local newscasts praising Jesus for sparing them from the tornado that he sent. The logic escapes, but these are the workings of the Redneck mind, further impaired by religious belief.

IncestA virgin in Arkansas is defined as a gal fast enough to outrun her brother. A rule of thumb for a Progressive Redneck State is one whose high school graduation rate is higher than its incest rate. According to Wiki Answers, Alabama has the highest rate followed by Alaska.

Jokes, Redneck– Created by Jeff Foxworthy, these jokes contain much more truth than fiction and can be hilarious. Example: How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. Why does the Redneck Bride wear White at her wedding? So the Dishwasher will match the Refrigerator. You get the picture.

Klan- The KKK is well known and respected in Redneck Culture [in spite of] NO, because of its long history of hate and violence. This Hate Group is not as visible as it once was, but they are there, ask any Redneck… or any undesirable.

Lucille– Is the Little Lady, only shes probably not too little anymore. The Redneck loves his woman like he loves his hunting hounds and no one else had better lay a hand on her. Often battered and disciplined out of love, the Redneck Woman is more than capable of defending herself. Although she may not possess the vituperative tongue of her urban, nagging counterpart, the Redneck Woman is able to mete out her own brand of justice with a shotgun, hunting knife or cast-iron skillet if her man goes too far.

MethCrank, Ice, Speed, its all the same to the gaunt and fidgety Redneck who craves its magical powers. Need extra pay? You can work double shifts at the lumber yard without taking as much as a lunch break. A cranked up Redneck can sit in a deer blind in the cold for days, patiently counting every stick and twig and wait for the prize to just wander by. In reality, your breath smells like a skunk dipped in acetone and your skin will look like an alien planet ravaged with tectonic activity.

NASCAR– This is the only sport of Real Men, and only College Football (SEC) is tolerated as a rival. Fishing, hunting and noodling are cultural necessities. The rest of organized sports is too faggy, girly or top heavy with rich, lippy Knee Grows or Puerto-Ricans such as are in baseball. Any serious Redneck is a NASCAR Historian and wept for days after Dale Earnhardt met his demise on that fateful day in 2001. It’s on TV, but better enjoyed in the blistering Southern sun.

ObesityI’m going to be serious here. The people in The South are just fat as shit. Mississippi leads the nation in soda consumption and obesity, they go hand in hand. Out of the top 10 most obese states only two were outside of the South, Ohio and West Virginia. A few years ago, I went to a Fair in Canton, Mississippi and they ran out of food before 11:30 AM. and the place had to shut down. The medical cost of obesity is tremendous with the associated diabetes and other medical consequences. Predictably, the Redneck is against any form of Big Ole Gub’ment, especially health care for him and his family. Why? Dad-Gum if I know.

Pulls As in Tractor Pulls and these can be held indoors or outdoors. Apparently, the goal of these events is to make as much noise as possible, to the glee of attending Rednecks. Additional Redneck recreation, other than the vaulted NASCAR includes, rasslin’, noodling, shoes, Snipe Hunting, or Redneck Olympic Games such as dunking your face in a tub of water, (bobbing) for the pig foot instead of the apple. (See Below)

Queers- Less-Beens, Homer-Sex-You-Alls, these PREverts are not tolerated at all in the Redneck community. Still pouting, decades later about the forced equality of Coloreds and Women, the bastions of the White Heterosexual god-fearing Patriotic Americans have little use for a bunch of lisping, mincing, prancing, goober-gobbling penis addicts or their carpet-munching counterparts.

There is a loosely organized Group named F.A.G.B.A.S.H. (Fraternity Against Gays, Bi-sexuals And Stinking Homos) whose goal is to try to stamp out the presence of the Fags on the Internet, but since not many of these Rednecks know how to operate a computer, their effectiveness has been rather limited.

Rasslin’– This is serious business here. Other than Wal-Mart and NASCAR, Professional Wrestling is the most important part of the cultural landscape for Rednecks. Barely able to calculate the tax on a tin of Skoal, the Redneck is transformed into chewing and spitting encyclopedia when it comes to anything WWE. From the current up and coming stars, to the ancient oldies like Andre The Giant (check link for greatest article ever written about drinking) and George The Animal Steele, a Redneck knows his Wrestling with the acumen of an insurance actuary.

Smokeless Tobacco– Also known as Skoal, Kodiak, snuff, dip or chew, this health-wrecking habit is essential for Rednecks to show their toughness by exhibiting utter disdain for health and hygiene. In a normal, non-Redneck society, the oafs who put this shit in their mouths would be shunned by member of the opposite sex, but I guess his female counterparts like it, or just endure it.

Tornadoes– In the South, these terrifying forces of nature can occur in any month of the year. Rednecks feel a bond with these vortexes of destruction as the devastation they cause can be symbolic of their own wrecked lives. Tornadoes are always sent by god as retribution for sins such as faggotry, liberalism or Obama worship, but the Redneck fails to grasp the paradox of tornadoes hitting mostly solid Red States. It did not sound anything like a freight train did not any Redneck say EVER. See also: Housing.

Upset and Angry Redneck The poor Redneck has been fuming and unhappy ever since The War Between the States. Other than the domination of SEC Football, not much has gone his way in the narrow perspective of the bigoted White Male from The South. Knee Grows have been granted status as humans and citizens, women have been given the right to vote and now Queers are getting married! His White Male world is shrinking, he is no longer feared as a bully, and he does not like it.

Because of this fury, the Redneck will embrace anything, even if it is highly against his personal interests, if he thinks that this stance will undermine those who he once lorded over. He is poor, but he is against food stamps and public assistance for the poor. He has no health care, but is violently against the ACA. The Corporations treat him like an indentured servant, but he supports tax breaks for Big Corporate America. Enter The Tea Party, a rabid. racist, angry and illogical Party, or web sites like Stormfront that makes perfect sense to the Redneck.

VehiclesThe Redneck Vehicle is just another extension of his Id and Ego and the Redneck can be surprisingly creative in modifying these sheet-metal atrocities. A good, serviceable vehicle must be versatile and practical, at home on the road and in mud, and able to transport the carcasses of animals who may have been doing nothing other than spoiling his view of the scenery.

Wal-Mart-If you have owned a computer and a monitor for any length of time you have seen the People of Wal-Mart. The Wal-Mart is now the very epicenter of Redneck culture and existence; gone are the General Store and the Pickle Barrel. Please don’t be distracted by Wal-Mart’s despicable business practices and shabby and disgraceful treatment of its employees, these places are simply awe-inspiring for a Redneck. Beer, groceries, hunting gear, ammo and huge bags of Hound Chow are all available under one roof.

X marks the spotLiteracy rates have not improved in The United States over the last 10 years and the same states always pull up the rear. As you might guess, 7 of the least literate states are in The South, solid Red and Redneck states, you know where they are. It is pathetic, not to mention counterproductive, that these are the same states that are heaven-bent to replace Science in the classroom with a dressed-up version of Genesis trying to masquerade as science. Rednecks, with their almost unimaginable stubbornness and resistance to progress, are more than content to just let the world pass them by.

Young-unsUntil the cycle of poverty, illiteracy, racism and just general stupidity can be broken, the offspring of the Redneck will offer no more improvement to the gene pool than their ancestors. What is maddening and discouraging is that there is absolutely no indication that any of these people have any intention or motivation to change or better themselves.

ZerosMost Rednecks are, yes. I know, I arrogantly speak from the personal experience of having lived among them for over 50 years. I was one too, but I got better.

For other great ABC rants click here!



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One response to “The ABC’s of Redneck Culture”

  1. John Welsh Avatar
    John Welsh

    As one who has spent considerable time in the South I confess this brought a tear to my eye. Sniff. You cannot say you have lived until you watched a football game on TV with a bunch of good ol’ boys. (Coors required, Lone Star if is the Cowboys).

    Since my day south of Mason-Dickson there has been a mini migration of rednecks to northwest Montana, where the only word for black people is n***er. Of course, there are no black people in Montana.

    The twice yearly Kalispell gun show (starts tomorrow! six bucks for all three days and the kiddies are free) is a gun lovers 7th Level of Heaven&Disneyland. Best attend wearing your MAGA cap. Can’t lay the blame for the gun culture at the feet of the Unreconstructed Confederates, until the late 1960s every new pickup came with a gun rack and Winchester Pump gun or rifle in the rear window.

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