Ridiculous Deaths

We’re all gonna die. It’s a sobering thought, but we cling to the hope it’ll be relatively painless and perhaps even dignified. But what if it isn’t? What happens if you end up like one of those Pan Am passengers in the 1988 Lockerbie Bombing perched atop a Scottish roof still strapped into a seat […]

Imaginative Bursts of Sadism

Do you ever do that thing, perhaps while life hasn’t been treating you too brilliantly, when you start reading up on sicko Nazi and serial killer shit? You don’t mean to (perhaps you’ve got a spare half-hour between charity commitments) but somehow you’re disappearing into the bowels of the internet consuming blood-drenched pages about medieval […]

I Went With What the French Call: les apeshit

Excuse me, you say, Oh sagacious and inerrant Mr. Cobb–however do they market our movies overseas? One word: Badly. –So it’s just a direct translation, then? Two words: You wish. Or, as they would translate that sentiment in Malaysia: Of Terrible Consequence to Original Things Super-Duper High-Five. “They called this movie ‘Little Jew I Want […]

A Cinephile Has Bizarre Wishes

One-He wants ALL the film merch of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure that they only released in Japan and Burma and include characters that weren’t in the movie like ‘Mecha-Francis’;,  Two-He wants the power to mix and match the lesser-known, overlooked film actors he feels haven’t been bathed in divine glory as he believes, in his […]

An Alternative Movie Theory

The greatest alternative movie theory of all time is MY OWN. You’ve seen this film I trust. If you haven’t there are major spoilers beyond: DO NOT ENTER. Now then, I want you to take a long look at that poster because the art was not formulated by accident. Cormac McCarthy, who wrote the novel, […]

Old Fuckers

At the beginning of Rocky IV, Rocky and Apollo dance around the ring throwing mock insults but essentially admiring each other’s physiques. It’s one of moviedom’s gayest starts, especially with lines like “I’m gonna whip your butt” and “You really look good for an older guy.” To be honest, it’s a bit of a surprise […]

The Wizard Of Ahs -or- Please Stay On That Goldbrick Road, Dorothy

Follow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Humongous Metaphors will grant the key to this classic. “Oh Toto, Why couldn’t we have been swept up in an allegory for the Spanish-American War or Swine Flu or something?” That’s right. Didn’t know you were watching a 19th century economic sermon […]

The Natives Are Getting Restless

Man has long excelled at picking on animals and fucking up the environment, a dismal trait I’m fine with as long as it generates good eco-horror movies. This sub-genre is staggeringly rich and diverse, tackling everything from sentient frogs and mutant sea creatures to walking plants and extraterrestrial viruses that powderize your blood. It has […]

Movie Geeks Manifesto

“My love of cinema supersedes all moral considerations.” –Alfred Hitchcock  There are many different opinions on this, all of which would undoubtedly be geeky to discuss at length, but in my opinion, a geek is someone deeply obsessed with a particular field of knowledge.  As opposed to, say, a nerd, who excels at all things […]

Annoying Fuckers

Most people are annoying. It doesn’t matter whether they’re a droning colleague, that snarky online twat who just won’t see sense, some random queue jumper, a younger sibling, the halitosis-afflicted taxi driver taking the long way round, a right wing foreign president, a neighbor loudly playing music or that hotty in the supermarket who looks […]