Metal Heart: Seven Essential Life Lessons from an 80s Childhood

if you can’t Ride the Lightning, Bark at the Moon.


Always Be Closing!-Wait! That’s another rant, but now that I think of it, not really. The only way that Evangelicals can hope to maintain their numbers, much less grow them, is by intense recruitment, by Selling! From infancy, family members are indoctrinated and recruited with fear, guilt and intimidation. They are sold the myth of […]

Why Bad Tippers Deserve Horrible Deaths

If you do not tip, or if you tip substantially less than social norms dictate, you deserve to be drowned in a cauldron of boiling vomit. You are the worst. A dictator who cleansed the earth of bad tippers would be remembered as a hero for a hundred generations. The argument for tipping is pretty […]

7 True Crimes That Deserve To Be Ripped From The Headlines

The greatest true crime TV episodes never made.

Why Liberals Will Never Win The Gun Control Debate

For many gun owners, gun control isn’t a debate. It’s a threat, yet the left insists upon having this conversation after every mass shooting. Gun control advocates need to understand how these people see themselves, what role guns play in their lives, and how they view the world. At times, they teeter between shrieking cowards […]

The ABCs of Gambling

Asians love to gamble. Of all the racial stereotypes floating around, this is the most resoundingly true. Unless you spend a lot of time around gambling…


E3 2015: A GODAMN SLOBBERKNOCKER “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, STOP THE DAMN TRADE SHOW!” Hear ye, hear ye! Now comes the time for Electronic Entertainment Expo XXI, the 21st yearly celebration of marketing hyperbole, awkward stage presentations, and crazy ambitious promises (that companies will never be able to keep). Dates: June 16-18, 2015 Main Event: Facebook/Oculus […]

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Americana

Goat at House on the Rock As many of you know, I just completed a nice road trip, a 2,000 mile journey through Wyoming, South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa and Nebraska. According to the world of Matt Cale there is no bad Americana, but I beg to differ. I present, the Good, the Bad, and […]

Language of the Unheard

The original article can be viewed on Patheos here By now, almost everyone is acquainted with the story of Freddie Gray’s inexcusable death, a mysterious occurrence that took place while Gray was in custody of Baltimore police. This tragedy– a word I’ve grown weary of reciting but is nonetheless applicable– sadly adds to the ever-burgeoning […]

The Top 10 Most Outrageous YouTube Eating Channels

EDITOR’S NOTE: Since this list is over two years old, some things have changed. Things like some of these brave warriors having to give up this dangerous folly. Have no fear, however, fresh troops are here and I proudly present the 2019 version of The Top 10 YouTube Eating Channels. YouTube. The Morphine Drip of […]