RUMORS OF WAR III – A GLENN BECK CRAZYFILM
Fact: Iran is building missile bases in Venezuela so that they can launch a nuclear weapon towards the United States. Fact: Active members of the Muslim Brotherhood are working in the US government and control the CIA, DHS, and the even the President Fact: Did you know there are twenty billion people on the planet? One third of them are terrorists, and the other third are Mexicans! Fact: The government puts microchips in the firing pins of all the guns and gives the information to Hamas, and Hamas makes a spreadsheet about your life, and sells it to telemarketers in India who harass ...
THE AVENGERS
So, how was The Avengers? You know how in boxing they have weight classes, but then also “pound for pound” rankings in an attempt to sort out who is the best quality fighter, regardless of size advantages? On a pound for pound basis, I would say The Avengers is quite good. In the heavyweight division, I would say it is a deserving champion, perhaps warranting a place in the pantheon of greats. I don’t want to get into boxing too much, but the analogy holds a lot of water here. Are you going to go on about the Klitschko brothers or something? ...
PREDICTIONS – THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT
The historic oral arguments over the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare for short, or Goddamned Socialized Medicine if you happen to be a Tea Party aficionado or a complete idiot) presented before the U.S. Supreme Court in three days of hearings last week brought to the forefront a number of pressing constitutional and policy questions, such as does the individual mandate fundamentally and unconstitutionally alter the relationship between citizens and the government? If the mandate is struck down, does it take the entire law with it? Does the expansion of Medicaid constitute a coercive intrusion on state sovereignty? Did Justice Clarence ...
THE RAID
If Gareth Evans' hyperkinetic Indonesian import The Raid had not been the handiwork of shifty foreigners, it would be a perfect candidate for the 80s Action canon. The plotline is moronic in its simplicity: Cops Must Brave 15 Stories of Machete-Wielding Thugs. There's a decidedly fascist kill-'em-all approach to crime fighting accompanied by plenty of Stupid Political Content, consisting of various interchangeable characters railing against police corruption; a Stupid Chief Lieutenant, a soaring body count that approaches triple digits, and most importantly, dozens of sweaty, well-built athletic men thrust into intimate close-quarters combat with one another, grunting and gasping and ...
JOHN CARTER
Every film should be evaluated on its own merits alone, with no wounds in advance for bad press, no extra credit for source material. Multiple articles have noted that John Carter has been an incalculable influence for modern science fiction and film imagery from Star Wars to Avatar (was this meant to be an insult?), and has been impossible to film when it was created in 1912 due to its setting of a well realized and entirely alien world. Well, it still can't be filmed since CGI still looks fake and goofy as shit. The story requires Mars to be ...
RUMORS OF WAR III – A GLENN BECK CRAZYFILM
Fact: Did you know there are twenty billion people on the planet? One third of them are terrorists, and the other third are Mexicans!
MASTERS OF DISASTER: LESLIE NIELSEN in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE
He can hold his breath for a loooong time
MASTERS OF DISASTER: MARJOE GORTNER in EARTHQUAKE
When first aid fails, rape them instead
MASTERS OF DISASTER: GEORGE KENNEDY in CONCORDE: AIRPORT ’79
Fully erect at the speed of sound
MASTERS OF DISASTER: CHARLTON HESTON in AIRPORT 1975
The FAA and NTSB have him on speed-dial
PREDICTIONS – THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT
This is required reading on the subject, unless you have difficulty with reading, like tea party advocates or Justice Scalia.
